“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

At the very deepest core of who we are as people, we desire connection with others. We want to feel known, loved, accepted as we are. It is these connections that, as in the C.S. Lewis quote, help us to ward off the miserable feeling of being alone in our experiences, isolated. But how do we build meaningful relationships, or bonds, with others and why do so many find it difficult to develop healthy, fulfilling relationships?

At Compass Rose Academy, our definition of bonding extends to our connection to God. Our capacity to relate to God and others, to connect to someone outside of ourselves, depends on our ability to reach out to safe relationships in a vulnerable way. Through these “need-based attachments,” we build close relationships with others who know the real us, including our needs as well as the good, bad, and the ugly.

As children, we take in lots of love from our parents and form emotional memories that soothe and comfort us during times of stress. Through this parental care, we learn that it is OK to need others, and we develop an understanding that relationships are a source of good in our lives. This helps us to want and pursue relationships for the rest of our lives. These soothing emotional memories also keep us going during periods of isolation and hopelessness. However, people who did not have enough warm experiences as children or who experience trauma in life, sometimes have trouble developing relationships and trusting others.

One of the big focuses of the upcoming Parent Weekend is on bonding and taking relationships to a deeper level. We’re going to look at some of the barriers to good and healthy communications, and how we can break down those barriers. We’ll have several exercises related to that theme. For example, we will use Dr. John Townsend’s eight-step model to practice healthy communications. Though all relationships have conflicts, we will show how we can work through them in a healthy way. Parents and teens will get a chance to practice understanding and listening through experiential exercises.

Another approach to relationships will be a discussion of the culture of appreciation. Families can create rituals that show that every member is valued for his or her good qualities and for what they contribute to the everyday life of the family. We can learn to shift the focus from the cycle of negative behaviors and reactions to the bonds that draw and hold us together as a family.

Relationships are beautiful additions to our lives but, beautiful as they are, problems can prevent us from developing meaningful ones. Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection says that those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have in common the courage to be imperfect, to display vulnerability with others. We hurt ourselves when we try to convince ourselves or others that we don’t need other people in our lives or when we power through adversity with sheer grit and determination instead of allowing ourselves to voice a need, acknowledge weakness, or ask for help. We also hurt ourselves when we are unable to trust other people – or God.

Our friend and endorser, Dr. John Townsend, appeared on Fox News on Monday morning, January 4th, to discuss the article he wrote on the Ethan Couch affluenza case which was published on the Fox News website, as well as to discuss his new book, “The Entitlement Cure.” The article focused on seven parenting tips that will help protect your child from contracting the disease of entitlement. Townsend recalls that the attitudes and behaviors that are ascribed to Ethan in the media loosely fit patterns of a condition called entitlement, which is an aspect of a narcissistic personality disorder.

In Dr. Townsend’s new book, he defines entitlement as two attitudes: (1) denying responsibility for one’s choice, and (2) demanding special treatment. The combination is destructive. The first one almost guarantees life and career failures, and the second one, relational shipwrecks.

To read Dr. Townsend’s full article, CLICK HERE.

To see Dr. Townsend’s interview on Fox News, CLICK HERE. 

John Townsend, Ph.D.

In life, you will always experience two very different kinds of tough circumstances: those we can solve, and those that are simply beyond our capacity. The first kind, which have doable solutions, are challenging but not overwhelming. Most of us can handle them by being innovative and coming up with solutions. The second kind, however, is much more difficult, in which the problems are far beyond our abilities and resourcefulness.

A few examples of very difficult problems would be serious medical complications, children in trouble, emotional problems, business difficulties and financial challenges. They can be sudden, such as a quick and devastating crash; they can also be long-term chronic situations.

When we struggle at this level, it is often hard to see where God is. We can pray fervently but hear no answer, at least not a solution or a “yes.” It is very hard to have faith when there is no actual solution. We are especially tested when there is no answer but to endure and be faithful. For most of us, this is the most difficult circumstance, as we all have a bit of control freak in us and intensely dislike helplessness.

To help with this problem, God provides five key resources that strengthen His people and encourage them to carry on. These assets will never let you down:

1. Presence: Whether or not we can experience or sense God, He is always there with us in our trouble. His presence is an objective fact, even in times when we can’t feel Him. This is why we pray, stay in the Word and seek the Holy Spirit. This reality supports and empowers us to continue. It’s like a kid playing baseball in a large championship game and not being able to see his dad in the bleachers. He still knows Dad is there, cheering him on: “So do not fear, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10).

If we take the stance of requiring that we must always experience God’s presence, we will never develop mature faith. We will instead veer into either guilt (I’ve done something wrong to cause this) or discouragement (He doesn’t love me). God never promises that we’ll feel His presence 100 percent of the time. That is why David’s many prayers in the Psalms about not experiencing God give us something with which to identify: “Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1)

When the man who is described as being after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22) feels that way, we can find solace and carry on. Sometimes we must simply rely on the objective reality of His presence and our memories of those experiences where we have deeply felt His intimate presence. These are great comforts for us.

2. People: Safe people are highly underrated and highly necessary; they provide important support in our lives. By focusing solely on our “vertical” relationship with God and withdrawing from the loving people around us, we are greatly shortchanging ourselves. We must do what the Bible says and reach out in need and dependency to the right people as well, adding “horizontal” relationships to our support group. Remember, we experience His grace in the dispensed grace of those “good stewards of the manifold grace of God” (I Peter 4:10).

3. Power: It is normal to feel helpless and powerless when we are in extreme circumstances. We do not do well with helplessness; it is very uncomfortable. But there are times when there are no solutions but endurance. However, God provides choices for us, even if they are small ones, to keep our energy engaged. For example, when Paul was in prison with very few choices, he used his own power to choose worship: “About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them” (Acts 16:25). Find the power in the small choices.

4. Produce: We are designed to grow and develop, which is to produce in the agricultural sense. We can endure many trials if we see ourselves transforming into a more loving and mature person. God uses our tough times to create a new person in us: “We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4).

5. Purpose: Humans are, by definition, purpose-oriented people. We are designed for meaning. When there is no purpose, we feel useless, unproductive and frustrated. But God assures us that in difficult seasons, there is a higher meaning that glorifies Him and is not wasted. As Joseph said to his brothers, who had caused him great suffering: “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive” (Genesis 50:20). You may not know the purpose this side of the grave. But you may. Ask God to show you the purpose behind the suffering.

The point is: We will always face devastating problems and conditions in life. That is inevitable. But even when there is no clear path, solution or answer from God, we are not without support. These five resources will see us through. God bless you this season.

This past month, Compass Rose celebrated National Adoption Month. In our work, we’ve found that no matter the situation or scenario, change is never easy. This is especially true for those who have recently been placed in foster care or a new home through adoption. This can be a seamless process or one with some bumps in the road. What’s important is that parents show boundless love and compassion. But there are few things you can do to make the transition easier for both of you.

Every child’s adjustment will be unique, and the time it might take is always unknown. Depending on prior experiences, trust issues might take some time to repair. There also might be some acting out. The key is to be aware and patient. Here are a few tips to ease the process and make your home the best place for your child.

1. Give them familiar surroundings.
Surround them with something familiar. Place pictures of familiar faces in frames and hang them on the bedroom wall or place on the bedside table. Does your child have a favorite teddy bear or blanket that he or she can keep nearby? These associations create a comforting atmosphere and a greater sense of belonging. Some psychologists recommend creating an adoption life book to help children understand where they came from and where they have been. It also will give them a sense of belonging to a new family now. Some experts say this may be one of the most therapeutic things you can do with a child being adopted.

2. Explain family rules and expectations.
Some professionals suggest that family rules and expectations should be introduced right away to avoid more changes for the child down the road. Regardless, bring your child into the routine of chores slowly. Foster and adoptive parents should remember that even smooth transitions can be traumatic for children, so don’t be surprised during the first day or week if you have to repeat yourself several times, as it may be difficult for your child to absorb all of the information during this transition period. This is natural and should be expected.

3. Help foster a strong and supportive learning environment.
School is regarded as the next challenge after adjusting to a new home. As another new and different environment for your child to experience, it may create additional stresses. It is important to not only support your child’s academic efforts but to have a positive and friendly relationship with the teacher. This creates greater communication and will help you to better understand how your child is adjusting. If you feel comfortable enough with the teacher, you may want to discuss how your child might answer questions about adoption from his or her peers. This will help you prepare your child to handle this discussion in the future.

If your house is anything like mine it can sometimes feel like the holiday music is drowned out by a chorus of complaints. Too much homework, not enough sleep, dinner looks gross, I never get to do anything, I need more clothes… and the list goes on. For many children and teens, the world seems to revolve around them – so how do we get them to focus on gratitude this Thanksgiving season, instead of dissatisfaction?

For all of us, thankfulness is a learned lifestyle, it does not come naturally – especially when we are having a really bad day and the last thing we want to do is give ourselves a pep talk. Rather, we might succumb to our self-pity by listening to sad music and basking in our woe-is-me thinking. However, in order to really lead lives that are richly satisfying, we must remind ourselves daily to be more sensitive to the blessings around us. Gratitude is about acknowledging and accepting our present circumstances while choosing to see and feel the good in the midst of our everyday lives or even our hurts and disappointments.

At Compass Rose Academy, we’ve learned that more is caught than taught. Parents modeling gratitude is one of the best ways to instill gratitude in our children, who may otherwise have a natural bent toward self-centeredness or entitlement. Here are a few ways you can help your teens practice thankfulness this season.

• Share your thanksgivings. When interacting with your teen, share what you’re thankful for, and instead of talking about the latest thing you’re wishing for, be grateful for what you have now. Share your thanksgivings around the dinner table or in the car. Make a point to have each family member share a new thanksgiving each day – and be sure to demonstrate how acknowledging some hard or disappointing circumstances can lead to growth, change and happiness.

• Give to others. Start a family tradition to serve others during the holidays. Giving back to those less fortunate reminds your teen how good they actually have it and produces compassion in their hearts for other people – besides, there is no better medicine for selfishness and sadness than giving back. Feed the homeless at a soup kitchen or donate winter coats and blankets to The Salvation Army, play games with the elderly at a nursing home, sponsor a needy family for Christmas, buying them gifts so that they, too, have something to open on Christmas, or deliver and share a meal with a lonely person in your neighborhood. This type of altruism goes a long way in battling a sense of entitlement!

• Reminisce. Point out all the wonders and fun things going on around your children. Point out the beauty in the leaves changing and the sunset, the feeling of warm, fuzzy socks on a cold day or a cup of hot chocolate, the joy of upcoming winter festivities like an annual tree-lighting or ice-skating trip. This is not lecturing your teens, like “You have no right to be angry or sad when we’ve got all these gifts around here!” Instead, it is role modeling, “When I feel sad or angry because of some tough things going on, I’m so thankful for these moments of joy.”

• Thank your children. When your child does something kind or good, let them know! Acknowledge their moments of generosity and gratitude. When you highlight their good acts, it encourages them to keep at it, because they know they’re doing something excellent and note-worthy. In fact, because of what’s called “mirror neurons,” your genuine expression of gratitude lights up their brains in a way that is reinforcing!

No parent wants good kids. We all want great ones! Yet, like anything important to you, parenting must be intentional and have some sort of a path. Here is my overview to the key steps:

1. Remember that it’s about the future, not today. Ultimately, parenting is concerned with equipping your child for handling 70 or so years of adulthood. It’s an investment in his or her future. It’s important to have this perspective because of how tempting it is to put out a fire today that solves a small problem but doesn’t help your child grow up. For example, it’s counterproductive to tell a stubborn child, “OK, you can play video games another 30 minutes and do your homework later, just stop complaining.” This little behavior, which we have all done as parents, teaches your child that complaining works when you want to get out of something. Far better to do it the hard way today and help your kid prepare for the future.

2. The goal is to develop character. I define character as that set of capacities required to meet the demands of reality. That is, your child will encounter the realities of not just homework, friendships, house chores and staying off drinking and drugs, but also dating, marriage, landing a good job, acquiring a home, having kids, handling finances and having a spiritual life. To pull off life’s demands, children have to be helped to have what it takes to succeed in a challenging world. Character is comprised of six capacities that we need to instill in our children. All the way from birth to leaving home, we need to help our kids learn these capacities. Summaries of each will round out this list:

3. Connectedness. Kids need to experience that relationships with others are the stuff of life. Research says that the healthier one’s relationships, the better one’s success in life. That means kids need to learn to be vulnerable, trust the right people and have empathy for others. These three skills will help them enter the world of relationships. Model connectedness, and talk about it with them.

4. Responsibility. Help your child “own” his or her life. That means they need to learn to be responsible for their actions and their consequences. Children need to learn that “No means no” when Mom and Dad say it. And they need to learn to be honest and say “no” to people who would like to control them. This is all about helping children respect the boundaries of others and set their own boundaries as well. Say a clear “no” and respect your child’s “no.” You are doing that when you say, “I understand you’re angry at me right now, and you don’t want to clean up. That’s fine. But because I told you yesterday that you have two chances to do what I ask, and you didn’t do it today, you’re in timeout. We’ll talk after timeout.”

5. Reality. The world is not fair, unfortunately, and things aren’t perfect. Your child will fail himself. And others will fail him, parents included. Kids need to learn to handle negative reality and not insist on things going their way. Help them to admit fault and to accept that when they fail, they are still loved. They also need to learn to forgive and learn from mistakes. Make failure a normal part of the dinner conversation, not something to avoid.

6. Competence. A great deal of life is about work, and working well. Kids need to learn what they are gifted at and what they have passion for: math, science, music, business, art or a host of other things. Not only that, they need to have a built-in work ethic so they can roll up their sleeves and do hard things to achieve something significant. Start with having your kids finish tasks, take out the garbage and help with meals and home cleanup. This creates an ethic that will carry them throughout their careers.

7. Morality. All cultures have a moral code of right and wrong, and of ethics. Make sure your children see your moral code, and sit down and talk about it with them. They have enough influences around them that are amoral. Be the parent with a code.

8. Spiritual life. Kids are naturally curious about God and want to know about Him. Talk about your own faith with your child. Read the Bible and pray at home with him or her. And find a church that is invested in healthy kid activities, where they will become engaged and enjoy the experience.

Your kids are your top priority, and you are the only parents they will ever have. Put the time into these eight areas, no matter what your child’s age is. For more information on this paradigm, read Raising Great Kids, written by myself and Dr. Henry Cloud.

Best to your parenting!

Dr. John Townsend

Ben Makin’s absolute favorite part about working at Compass Rose is the team atmosphere. “I feel the support from each team member as we work to provide healing for our students and their families,” Ben said. “We have fun together with special parties or activities. The staff regularly gets together outside of work and there is genuine concern from staff members about how I am doing personally and professionally.” This involvement and collaboration are what makes Ben such an effective part of the Compass Rose program.

Ben is the Philosophy of Care Coach and has been at Compass Rose Academy for two full years in January. His role was originally created to bridge the gap between residential life and the therapeutic model. He helps support the direct care staff by providing coaching in Compass Rose’s specific model, helping make consequences for infractions growth-oriented instead of about punishment. Occasionally, you can find Ben running groups as well as assisting in process group and family therapy sessions. He can also be found helping with overall program planning and direction. Ben’s passion of enhancing emotionally-focused programming that also uses John Townsend’s Growth Model makes him a valuable asset in helping students.

He began working at Compass Rose Academy to fulfill his passions of using programming models to help students. “I feel that at Compass Rose, we are learning to take healthy risks by providing a different type of long lasting growth and not just correcting behaviors,” Ben said. “We want heart change.” This position also became a fantastic training opportunity in conjunction with completing his masters in Counseling from the Townsend Institute of Leadership and Counseling at Huntington University.

Ben is an avid Arsenal FC soccer fan, who in his free time enjoys diner coffee, Jeopardy and owns a wardrobe of sweaters that he claims would “make Mr. Rogers jealous.”

Mental illness, defined as any disorder of the mind that affects life function, causes great distress to not only the person dealing with it, but also those around him or her. Disorders such as major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and psychotic problems are much more common than one might think. My guess is that right now you have at least one or two people in your life, family or friends, who are suffering from mental illness.

Research has shown that one of the major factors in how a person copes with mental illness is the relational support systems surrounding him. When they have warm, structured and understanding people and groups in their lives, the quality of life improves and the effects of the disorder are lessened. When they are isolated, marginalized, misunderstood or judged, the effects can be devastating. This is all consistent with what so many passages teach in the Bible:

“Then they also answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick in prison, and did not minister to you?” (Matt. 25:44)

“Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2)

“Encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (I Thess. 5:14)

The church community is one of God’s main anchors to help people in need, including those with mental illness. The nutrients of love, grace, truth, wisdom and structure are all there in the Body of Christ. My book “How People Grow” sets out a path that shows that the paths of help for all mental and emotional illness is already in the Bible. Unfortunately, church members often feel unqualified or even overwhelmed with knowing what to do to help. Here are a few tips to get things going:

Get informed and talk to the leadership. Have some conversations with mental health professionals in your community and read up on the subject. There is a great deal of helpful information available. Then ask one of your church leaders for a conversation on the subject. Investigate with him what your church may already be doing, that you might not be aware of.

Don’t advise, volunteer. Churches are very busy places. The last thing the leaders need is someone having lunch with them and saying, “You guys need to pay more attention to mental illness.” That’s pretty off-putting. Instead, volunteer to help: “I’ve felt challenged to make a difference in mental illness. Do you have any ideas or meetings, or would you like me to figure something out and propose it to you?” I can’t tell you how much church leaders appreciate the offer!!

Use what already exists. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel, there are lots of programs going on in most communities. Check with psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists whom your church refers to. They will know about local organizations and programs that may have weekly groups with curricula and agendas that you can easily plug into your church.

Normalize mental illness. I’m a big believer in “if you see it, say it.” You be the one who has the conversations. Some people will feel awkward at first, but growth is disruptive by nature. In a year, lots of people will be talking about it, preachers will be preaching on it, and groups will be going. Be the disruptive (or redemptive) agent.

We can do a great deal to help with mental illness. In doing so, we are moving one step more in furthering Christ’s Kingdom. God bless you.

As we all know, the teen years are a crucial stage for developing an identity and answering such questions as “Who am I?” “What do I believe about the world, myself and others?” “Who do I ultimately want to become in life?”

Consequently, a teen’s friends can play a powerful role in the formation of her identity. Healthy relationships help teens make healthy life decisions; unhealthy relationships, as you might have guessed, can cause teens to make harmful life decisions.

A teen might dismiss the warning signs of a bad friend or boyfriend because she longs to fit in and be liked and accepted by others. A healthy relationship involves respect, kindness, trust and boundaries. Unfortunately, though, Kids Health has found that one in 11 teens reports being physically hurt by a date.

One of the most important and valuable ways to help your children learn to develop healthy relationships in their own lives is to make sure that you are modeling healthy relationships in yours. Talking to your teen and taking opportunities to teach her will not do as much good unless you are able to point to examples in your own life and display the characteristics of healthy relationships in your attitudes and actions. We have a saying around Compass Rose Academy that “often times more is caught than taught,” so it is extremely important for parents to start with themselves when they are about teach their teens a valuable lesson. Is dad treating mom right? Is mom respecting authority when she is talking with a teacher at school or coach? Am I showing my daughter how to have healthy relationships in everyday life?

So what are some ways that you can evaluate your attitudes and actions to see if you are modeling healthy relationships?

• Relationships require vulnerability.
  This word evoked one of two responses in you. It either made you cringe and want to crawl in a hole where you cannot be seen, or it made you excited because have been following Brené Brown, reading her books, and watching her TED Talks. Vulnerability is a scary thing for most people but Brené has brought a very valuable subject to the forefront of our consciousness. Deep and enriching relationships require that we allow ourselves to be seen for who we are. We cannot only present the good and hide the bad (like many Facebook users) and expect to have relationships where we feel truly known, valued, and loved. Demonstrate for your teen that you do not have to be perfect to be loved or accepted and that it is important, within the trust and safety of close relationships, to let yourself be seen for the good and the bad, success and failure, happy and sad.
• Relationships require boundaries.
  Close relationships do not require that you lose a sense of who you are as an individual within that relationship. You are a distinct person with your own set of likes, dislikes, thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Boundaries actually enhance the safety and trust of a relationship, even when it means saying “no” or voicing anger or frustration within that relationship. While it is difficult to do and not all relationships will survive the test, worthwhile relationships will grow deeper as each person in the relationship is able to work through conflict, set boundaries, and say “no” when needed. Does your daughter see you giving in to others and saying “yes” to others’ demands or requests and then have to live with you as you torture yourself with regret, bitterness, or resentment as a result? It is one thing to tell your daughter to “say no to drugs” or “don’t let boys treat you that way,” but it is much more powerful for her to see her parents being models of assertiveness, saying “no,” and setting healthy boundaries in their lives.
• Relationships are vital to our existence.
  This sounds obvious but the reality is that many of us try to conquer life on our own every day. You have friends, family members, and acquaintances, but do you truly take the time to recognize your relational needs and reach out to others to meet those needs? When is the last time you called a friend and let her know you were hurting and needed comfort? When have you directly verbalized to your spouse that you needed encouragement or affirmation instead of feeling hurt and overlooked when he or she didn’t notice instinctively that you needed support? We were created for relationship and it is the fuel for your life. Demonstrate that you can recognize your needs and that you intentionally get relational needs met in relational ways. If the adults in a teen’s life constantly turn to a glass of wine, TV, or surfing the web to find calming, comfort, or peace, it should not be a surprise when the teen develops similar patterns through drugs, social media, or other outlets. Most of these things like wine, TV, and the internet are not inherently wrong, but the problem is when we develop a pattern of meeting relational needs through these outlets instead of relationship. Remember, relationship is the fuel for life, so if you feel you are running on empty, turn to relationships instead of all those other things to get filled up.

Before you have a conversation with your teen about healthy relationships, the most helpful thing you can do is evaluate the quality of relationships in your own life. If you find areas that need improvement, it does not mean you have to be perfect before having conversations with your teen, it just means that you become aware and be honest with your teen about areas that you want to commit to change in your own life in order to be a model of healthy relationships.

If you suspect that a teen you know is currently experiencing abuse in a relationship and may need urgent help, contact us today.

“Entitlement” is a word we see in the news and magazines very often today: our entitled culture, entitled kids, entitled employees, spouses and family members. It addresses what I call a disease in our culture today, which has two components: a belief that the person is special and above the rules; and a demand of getting something for nothing. It is causing great difficulty in our relationships and organizations today. It is not related to age: I have worked with highly entitled people in their 80s. And let’s don’t forget that there are very healthy entitlements, such as those our government gives to our military veterans and to those in poverty so deep that they have no other recourse.

In my new book “The Entitlement Cure”, coming out October 6, I give several keys to helping the entitled person in your life to resolve it. And this entitlement can apply to all of us as well. Here are some of the skills that can help you and your family members.

Help them keep inconvenient commitments. Life holds together when people make and keep promises to each other. Governments have agreements, businesses have contracts, marriage has a vow and relationships have promises. When someone agrees to show up at a lunch and decides at the last minute that something else more important came up, this impacts people. We lose trust in the person. Also, the entitled person learns that they are not accountable for their actions, which only makes the situation worse. Help the entitled person to see their impact, how it made you and others feel about the broken promise. If their entitlement is so severe that they don’t care about their impact, then set up consequences that matter to their comfort. My book Boundaries is a good source of ideas for this.

Engage them in altruism. We have a neuronically-based ability for empathy for the suffering of others. Our mirror neurons can actually respond to the happiness or hurts of those around us. However, entitled people tend to not involve themselves in helping others, they avoid it. But engaging in service to others is a very effective way to break the self-centeredness and cause them to deeply care about others. Volunteer with them at an organization that serves the poor or homeless, a mission agency, a shelter for domestic abuse, or a church that serves. When they serve those marginalized others, it can have a profound effect on reducing entitlement.

Replace “I deserve” with “I am responsible for.” Our language is important to our health. The phrase “I deserve” tends to support entitlement: I deserve to be happy, to have people be nice to me, to be given a job or money. This is a disempowering phrase, causing the person to look outside his own energy to get something, and to feel helpless. Help them replace that phrase with “I am responsible for”: learning to be happy, being the kind of person others want to be nice to, working hard to get a job or earn money. This empowers the person to action. Talk with the person about that phraseology and help them change their language.

There are many more examples of these solutions available in my book when it comes out. I have seen a great deal of entitlement changed and resolved. You can do the same.

Best to you.

Dr. John Townsend

On Saturday, August 29, our Compass Rose Academy staff had the great pleasure of attending the grand opening of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling at Huntington University.

“We are incredibly excited about the opening of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling, which provides master degree programs in counseling and organizational leadership and teaches the same growth model developed by Dr. John Townsend that we have adopted here at Compass Rose Academy,” said Compass Rose Academy Director Mike Haarer. “Our staff is thrilled about the opening of the Townsend Institute so close to Wabash. Many of them are personally engaged in various programs offered by Townsend – some are in school at the Townsend Institute and others receive training in either the Townsend Leadership Program (TLP) or Counseling Training Program (CTP).”

Indiana Secretary of State Connie Lawson traveled to Wabash on Aug. 12, 2015 to award White’s Residential & Family Services with the Century Certificate.

The certificate celebrates the more than 100 years of White’s service and care to children and families. The event was attended by many guests who watched Lawson bestow the award.

Since its founding, the nonprofit has grown to become one of Indiana’s largest nonprofit social services agencies. It has seven offices around the state, including residential campuses in Wabash and Wheatfield, Ind. About 1,100 children and families are served by White’s every year.

“Josiah White, founded and drafted a plan for White’s in 1850 to help ‘the most deserted of children’,” said Eric Dale, board president. “White’s Residential & Family Services is still operating with that mission in mind today.”

White’s has been serving children, teens and families for more than 160 years. It provides care to families in crisis, in transition and in need of support through its accredited and comprehensive continuum of services including community- and home-based services, foster care, adoption support and residential treatment programs.

“We are honored to be awarded with this certificate today,” said Dee Gibson, White’s CEO. “We are blessed to help redirect, rebuild and restore the lives of the children, teens and families we serve and it is for them that we accept this award today.”

The event took place at the Hodson Campus Center, which sits on 800 acres of land within White’s Wabash campus. Lawson met with the residential students on campus and shared information with the teens about her financial literacy program.

“Institutions like White’s are crucial to communities throughout Indiana. They provide the stability and care needed for our children and teens to grow and reach their potential,” said Lawson. “I am pleased to give White’s this certificate today and hope that they continue to serve children and their families for another 100 years and beyond.”

Teens, by definition, are going through a season of chaos, developmentally, neurologically, emotionally and socially. And when an adolescent’s family struggles as well, it can add chaos to chaos. Not good for anyone. Marriages can be hard: alienation, unending arguments, power struggles, narcissism, addictions, infidelity and even violence. These problems can keep parents from having the energy to put into their children. And, as any parent knows, the stressors in the teen’s life also go the other way: they add pressure to the marriage as well. A loving, sound marriage will be tested by a teen’s challenges. A struggling marriage can be impacted in profound ways.

Yet, with a few tips and some effort, the marriage and the adolescent can learn to grow, solve problems and get along well. Here are the ideas:

1. Normalize struggle. Sometimes parents feel ashamed about the difficulties in their marriage and think they are deficient in some way. This can lead to a life of pretending, defensiveness and ultimately loneliness. On top of it all, your teen can read your unhappiness a mile away. So begin by making struggle normal in your family’s culture. Let your kids know that we all have hard times, and that that’s OK, and we’ll all pull through this. This alleviates the pressure on your teens and helps them feel hope that their family lives in reality.

2. Get help. Don’t suffer in silence if you have marriage conflicts that don’t go away. Qualified psychologists and marriage therapists have been through thousands of hours in learning well-researched and effective techniques to bring the marriage back into health. The longer you wait to disrupt an ailing marriage (disruption in a good way), the longer the teen does not experience two parents at their best.

3. Put your teen first. Ask your spouse to keep your teen out of the fray. One of the worst things a parent can do is to triangulate, or manipulate the child into taking sides. While there should not be denial of reality (if someone is yelling, your teen needs to know that it’s definitely not OK,) don’t enlist your child as a support system. That’s what grownup friends are for. Your teen loves both of you and, above all, wants two parents who love each other. It presents her with a horrible dilemma to have to pick. This also includes telling her details, not a great idea. Have the tough conversations behind closed doors. Your teen needs freedom and space away from that.

4. Keep life steady and structured. One of the best things you can do for your teen is to be there and have a normal schedule: meals on time, rides to school, sports and church, homework time, a regular bedtime, and friends over. Remember, teens need as little chaos as possible to ameliorate the internal chaos they are working through.

5. Let your teen talk about her feelings about the marriage. She may have intense and painful feelings, even if she seems blasé and indifferent about it. Give her her own day in court and say for instance, “Amber, we know it’s obvious that Dad and I are having some problems. We are working on the situation and we want you to have a normal life while this is going on. But it can’t be easy for you. What’s it like on your end?” You may get a shrug now, but in a few days, you are likely to get a vulnerable reaction.

If your marriage is struggling, it’s hard. You’ll have to juggle that aspect of life, while not abandoning your teen. Make sure you have lots of supportive friends during this period. They will be glad to help and will carry the load a bit for you.

Best of luck.

Dr. John Townsend

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Studies show that seriously negative events between the ages of 2 and 4 (divorce, death of a parent, health issues, bankruptcy, etc.) can have a profound impact on a child, often affecting his or her personality during the teen years. The events may have occurred years ago, but they need to be investigated and, when appropriate, acted on clinically. Here are some ideas to help as a parent.

The past matters. The past is very important to a teen’s health and functioning. This is especially true for the very early years. The younger the child is at the time of the events, the more developmentally vulnerable and fragile his or her personality.  It’s like a tree in your backyard during a powerful windstorm. A mature tree, with size, stability and deep roots, is likely to withstand the weather. But a young sapling is in danger of being uprooted.

Time alone does not heal. Often, a parent will think: The bad events are way past.  Time healed my child.  Actually, this is not true. Time is certainly a necessary ingredient for healing.  It takes weeks to heal a broken arm. But other elements are involved in that kind of healing: a cast, medications and physical therapy. Without these, and with just time passing, you are in danger of the broken arm becoming much worse. Your teen may need counseling, support, insight, professional therapy and medications, along with time.

It’s not about healing the past.  It’s about healing the character. Parents sometimes hear strange messages from counselors about healing the past. It is impossible to heal the past because the past is over. We don’t have time machines. But you can heal the damaged character of a teen who was injured in the past. For example, a teen may have lost the ability to trust, make deep emotional attachments, have a stable sense of identity, stay focused on tasks, be in control of emotions, or stand firm against peer pressure and drugs. Those aspects can and must be healed in a good clinical setting.

Look at your teen’s present functioning. If you have observed some of the above struggles, it’s time to take him or her to a trained professional. So often, parents try over and over again to fix their child themselves, and the problem is simply too severe or too chronic. The help is there, with people who have successfully worked with kids much more troubled than yours. The research backs up the helpfulness of seeing a trained professional.

Why not? One thing I always recommend, and one that my wife and I did with our kids, was to take them to an adolescent specialist just to get a professional view, without having any severe symptoms. Our reasoning was the same as what you do when you go to your physician for an annual checkup. You want to catch anything that might be going on and nip it in the bud. We were glad we took these opportunities.

Be proactive. Better to check things out and get a clean bill of emotional health than to be passive and have your teen suffer later.

A father figure is one of the most important roles in a young girl’s life. She looks up to him for advice on how to tie her shoes and counts on him to lift her onto his shoulders in a crowd. She trusts him to teach her how to ride a bike and takes comfort in his arms when she falls and skins her knee. Though their relationship will change as years pass, in her eyes, a father’s role never really alters. He is her supporter, her protector and her provider.

Though a father-daughter relationship may be difficult to manage throughout her teen years, his involvement in her life remains to be just as important as it was from the first time she tied her shoe. She looks up to him—respects him—whether she shows it, or not.

The changes in her mood and overall demeanor may be frustrating and often hard to navigate, but avoidance is not the answer. Every dad needs to remember that at the core of this sometimes sullen, eye-rolling teenager is the little girl who used to gaze up at him in adoration. She may be more difficult to relate to, and communication may take a lot more effort, but the foundation of love and affection you built in her childhood still exists.

Her teen years will be a time where she struggles with her self-identity and a father has the power to strongly impact his daughter through this transformational time. The most important thing a dad can do at this stage in her life is to establish trust, seek out one-on-one opportunities to engage with her, take a genuine interest in her life and be a good listener.

A father not only sets an example of what kind of person she should be, but also creates the template for his daughter’s future expectations in her own relationships with men—and most importantly, what she deserves.

We recognize that for whatever reason sometimes a father may not be able to be involved in a child’s life. We want to wish all of the fathers, men who mentor youth and male role models to kids a Happy Father’s Day! You play such an important role in the enriching the lives of young people and we celebrate you this Father’s Day weekend!

John Townsend, Ph.D.

When parents are exploring paths to find the right help for their teen, they have to sift through enormous amounts of information:

• Which program is the right fit for my child?
• Is it effective?
• Does it have a good reputation?
• Will it treat my teen right?

One of the best ways to check out a program is to gauge who is endorsing it and what they are actually saying about it. So here are the reasons I promote Compass Rose Academy everywhere I speak, with my friends and colleagues and on my social media channels. These are elements of a good program that you should explore in your search.

It is research based. The Compass Rose program is constantly studying the latest research on adolescents, behaviors, emotions, neurology and treatment. The research underlies how the program is structured. Since all truth is God’s truth, any principle from sound research that makes sense will also pass muster with scriptural truth as well. The two work well together for the benefit of your teen.

It is Biblically based. Whatever comes from the Bible is true, and it is a guide for our lives. God’s Word can be trusted: “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path” (Psalm 119:105). Compass Rose is founded and guided by Biblical principles of healing, trust in God and growth. God is the originator of the healing process, and He is the one whose path will ultimately heal your teen.

It works. Simply said, Compass Rose produces a great outcome! The program brings effective results: teens who are stable, healthy and positive, with good self-control and values. Kids come out stronger, better and more confident. They are, simply put, different people, and more like they should have been all along. They are back on track.

It works for life. Not only that, but Compass Rose treats adolescents for the long run. It is much better to help a teen prepare for a lifetime of success and great relationships than to simply give her a brief break from her difficulties. The program always keeps lifetime skills and healthy habits as the goal in mind. We want to see her have great relationships, a fulfilling career and mature self-control and perhaps one day have her own family and kids as well.

It addresses all parts of the problem. Whether a teen’s struggle is conduct, school, emotional problems or substance abuse, her issues must be tended to from all levels for a thorough recovery and restart. That includes symptom relief, training to think in more healthy ways, relational healing, physical fitness and socioeducational instruction. Compass Rose does all these and more. They are comprehensive and treat the whole child.

I am involved personally. I have partnered with the Compass Rose team to create the model that they have used from the day they first opened their doors. We created the clinical program from a “blue sky” level and built it from theory to technique. It has been thoroughly thought through with your teen in mind. That partnership has given me great confidence that Compass Rose is sound, with the right people and the right program.

I have referred friends to Compass Rose and have been very happy with the results. At some point, there is no better way to endorse a program. Best to you.