Violence is all around us. Know what your child is watching on the internet and TV, and monitor the video games that come into your house.

Be aware not only of the quantity of violence your child might be consuming, but also the quality. Are they playing violent video games continuously? Does the program show graphic violence or violent sex? Too much violence viewing can desensitize teens and children and make it hard for them to recognize and respond to dangerous or inappropriate situations in real life.

Some parents worry that by intervening and giving direction to their teens when it comes to media influences, they will are being over involved, pushy, and will have an adverse effect. In reality, when parents do not intervene about other influences like media, teens internalize this as permission. They may react poorly at first to limit-setting, but a good rule of thumb is to remember that if it is a teen’s job to push limits and boundaries, it is the parents’ job to consistently enforce them.

Here are some things you can do to counteract violence in your child’s world:

• Explain consequences. Sometimes violent acts are depicted in isolation. There are no families around crying or legal repercussions to answer for. If you see your child watching a violent scene, engage him or her in a discussion of how that scene could play out in real life.
• Limit consumption. Keep an eye on the clock when kids are watching TV or playing video games. Too much of either is bad for their physical and mental health, so give them an hour then make them go outside.
•  Teach conflict resolution. In real life, arguments usually don’t end with someone pulling out a gun. Teach them how to handle conflict with words, and work on their healthy conflict resolution skills. Becoming a peacemaker will make violence much less appealing. E-mail us to request information about our 8-step Healthy Confrontation Model. [email protected]
• Keep your kids busy. Sports, clubs and part-time jobs will widen your child’s world and reduce their interest in violent programming. Plus, they’ll have less time to consume it!
•  Be more mindful of younger or more sensitive children. Kids of different ages should be allowed to consume different amounts of violence. Your high school teen should be allowed to see more than your 5-year-old, for whom “Road Runner” might be too much.
• Keep media out of kids’ bedrooms. This is an easy way to monitor what your child is viewing. This might be easier said than done with cellphones, but being clear about your expectations should carry over even when you are not around.
• Use technology to your advantage. Don’t be shy about triggering parental controls on certain television channels, tablets and smartphones if you’re concerned about exposing your child to violence. Though not foolproof, they do offer another line of defense.
• Model healthy media consumption. As always, one of the most important parts of parenting is modeling. Remember the adage that “more is caught than taught.” This means that there may be times when teens need to see you willing to stop a movie or song that is too violent or even turn off the news when it is too full of violent images for you or your children.

Violence is everywhere, and it is not possible to track everything your child consumes that might contain violence. Maintain a positive relationship with your child and keep open lines of communication. If they see something troubling, chances are they’ll come to you to discuss it. Remember that your job as a parent is to be “warm structure,” setting healthy limits with grace and truth.

Teens who are struggling may find little reason to attend church. When their world is crumbling, it’s hard for them to see its role in their life. But in truth, it can save them.

Church can be a vital part of self-growth for everyone who attends. For teens in crisis, church is especially powerful, providing a place of love, hope, acceptance, and direction.

When teens attend church or a church function, they are surrounded by many strong role models and mentors. These individuals can renew hope in teens wrestling with issues of self-worth. They can provide reassurance that although life may be disappointing right now, it is bound to get better. And they can reiterate the importance of making healthy choices for a better tomorrow. This is the guiding light of ministry.

Many churches also offer a community of people who love and care for one another unconditionally. No matter the situation, many individuals will step forward to help a hurting teen. Despite some stereotypes, there are many churches that do not judge and that ultimately want the best for each and every person who steps through their doors.

For many teens, a mission or service opportunity might be a great opportunity to get their minds off their problems. Every ministry has its own mission that empowers church members and those in the community they serve. Having a mission often helps teens see beyond themselves and gives them a good reason to stay on a positive track.

Sometimes the best way to get on track to positive thinking is to talk openly about the things that are going wrong with someone who cares. Church leaders are in the business of listening. Churches offer a confidential place to confess and confide. This could be a starting point for a teen who is struggling. Talking to someone and knowing that they are not alone could be exactly what a teen needs to begin a new life. Increasingly, church leaders are being trained on mental illness and are partnering with mental health providers to link struggling individuals with services that can help.

There is much in the Bible to offer solace and comfort to hurting individuals. The Gospels, Paul’s writings in the New Testament, and many of the Psalms provide guidance and hope. Each church has people who will pray and discuss Scripture with a teen. Sometimes it helps to know your problems are not new!

Perhaps the most important role of a church is to provide positive social interaction and a strong support system. Talking with people and becoming involved with church-sponsored activities can be a great way to get a struggling teen to focus on others and more positive living. As humans, we are hard-wired for love and belonging. Inherently, churches are filled with people who have accepted and received love from God and want to reach out to others and share that love.

Being a teen can be painful at times. Churches offer them a way to express themselves and give back. They not only offer a relationship with God but also relationships with others.

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

Most of us feel two distinct emotions around the holidays: anticipation and anxiety. The anticipation is about looking forward to the people and activities that mean something to us. Unfortunately, so is the anxiety, which concerns the more difficult family members we’ll come into contact with and the stresses that come with all of the preparation and demands, from Christmas shopping to cooking to parties.

Here are some ideas to help you experience higher anticipation and lower anxiety.

Take some deep breaths. Right now.
As you read this, put down your device for 60 seconds and take deep breaths. Most of us can inhale for 3 seconds and exhale for 3 seconds. Others can go to 5 seconds. The reason this will help is because we have a tendency to blow through articles and blogs and not really take in the information. We just plow through the paragraphs and go to the next demand on our calendar, so the content doesn’t help us. Simply do the exercise to take a break from your stress. This will help you to feel some calmness and centeredness, and you’ll be able to really consider the tips here and how to use them.

Block out the free time you need.
We don’t get into trouble by overscheduling. We get into trouble by under scheduling free time. (I hope sleep time is blocked out on your calendar so other activities don’t interfere.) Scheduling free time is a real help to manage holiday stress. How many hours off in the morning, afternoon or evening do you need to have a great season? Block those times out. These can be times for working out, hanging out with a friend, doing a hobby or taking a nap. When you put work, sleep, meals, family responsibilities and chores in, you have to make sure the rest of the day doesn’t get eaten up in holiday prep or activities. I suggest at least an hour every day that is “you” time.

Limit those “difficult” people.
Holidays can be a time of dread because of commitments to spend an evening (hopefully not a whole week!) with family members who talk nonstop, have awful social conduct, are alcoholics or make things all about themselves. (I’m getting stressed just writing this.) One helpful idea is to consider not inviting every single person who is related to you. While the holidays are great times for bringing people together, there is no rule that says someone who is toxic gets a free pass. You may have to buck the system with other family members, but at least you will have brought it up and shared the possibility.

On those occasions that include the difficult people (for example, at a party you are attending but not hosting), simply do this: Be kind, give them a couple of minutes of greeting time and go talk to someone else. You shouldn’t be rude, nor should you take the opportunity to have that conversation you’ve been avoiding (“I’ve been waiting all year to tell you how your drinking has impacted me”). Just have a quick check-in and wish them well, then spend 90 percent of your time with people you love. For more information on this, read my book How to Deal with Difficult People.

Get everyone aligned.
Have a family meeting and tell everyone you want them to have a great holiday this year. Talk about your calendaring of free time and help them with theirs. Let them know you’re going to focus on being with people you enjoy and minimize time with the hard ones. Help them to have the same perspective and courage to do that for themselves as well.

Check out TownsendNOW.com.
We have just released it, and you will find lots of videos about relationships and families that are practical and helpful as well.

Let’s de-stress the holiday season, and have a great one!!

Are day-to-day events and aggravations taking over the conversation between you and your teen?

At Christmas time this year, we encourage you to engage more intentionally and deeply with your daughter. In general, it’s important to leave questions open-ended to avoid one-word responses. Based on your teen’s reaction to questions, you can often delve more deeply or go off on an interesting tangent.

Jennifer Kolari, child and family therapist and author of “Connected Parenting,” recently suggested three open-ended questions that will get your teen to open up.

1. “If you were suddenly given a large sum of money and that money could be donated only to one charity or cause, what would it be and why?”
   By asking this question, you are tapping into your teen’s ideas and passions and creating a wider discussion about what she values or may be learning in school and from society. Use thoughts about charity and philanthropy to start a discussion about gratitude, a relevant topic during the holidays.
2. “If you could do one thing for the rest of your life that involves your passion — and you would be paid for it, no matter what it is — what would it be?”
   This question will get your teen thinking about her dreams and goals as well as her personal talents and gifts. “The idea is to start a conversation about meaningful work,” Kolari says. Helping to frame “work” in your daughter’s mind as a part of finding meaning and purpose in life, versus clocking in and holding your breath until Saturday, can go a long way in helping to develop your teen’s healthy work ethic and a rewarding career path.
3. “Millennials are getting a bad rap. What do older adults have to learn and what do you think millennials can teach them?”
   It is important to draw on the gap between generations and make connections between them. What is your child wanting to contribute to the world?

Above all, truly listen to your daughter after asking these questions. Learning how she views herself and society will help to create a strong bond of communication and trust between you. Additionally, remember to keep an open stance with your daughter. As much as possible, you want to create a dynamic where she feels safe and comfortable talking with you about a wide range of subjects, ideas, and emotions.

All parents have the same “impossible dream.” We want our kids to become grown-ups who have a strong voice and will not allow themselves to be pushed around or controlled by others. At the same time, we want our kids to do what we say with a great attitude and a smile. This is what psychologists call desires in conflict.

We can’t have it both ways. You want your children to be able to stand their ground and confront others in healthy ways later in life, and there is a training ground for that: their relationship with you! So here are some tips to help you help your child develop this important capacity, with minimal hurt feelings for either of you.

Model healthy confrontation

Kids learn a lot more when information is caught, not taught. How you confront your spouse and kids is highly predictive of how your child will confront others. Research indicates that the best model is one in which there is both warmth and clarity.

Warmth is the emotional expression of being “for” and “with” the other person. Warmth is the opposite of rage and emotional withdrawal. Clarity is the clear expression of expectations and consequences. The mixture of these two components is powerful.

Encourage respectful honesty

Kids need to learn that it’s acceptable to be unhappy or angry. Perhaps they feel that they have already studied enough or want to stay out later during the weekend. It needs to be OK for them to express that to you. Every child needs to have their point of view understood. It might not change the situation, and they still may have to do their homework, but at least they will know their voice was not punished, and that they are not alone.

Try to make all communications between you respectful. You don’t want your child throwing a tantrum at her first job when her boss asks her to work late on a project. That’s no preparation for real life. In my book Boundaries with Teens, I list three types of communications that can reflect whether a confrontation is respectful or disrespectful:

• Words: Certain hostile or abusive words are not OK, and your teen needs to know what they are. My wife and I told our kids, “You can tell us you’re really mad at us if that’s how you feel. But that’s how you say it.”
• Attitude: Rolling eyes, sneering and interrupting the conversation is not the way to go. It’s fine to be unhappy, but not with a disrespectful attitude.
• Behavior: Slamming doors, throwing stuff and walking out of the room before the conversation is done aren’t respectful actions. Tell your child, “I need you to finish our talk and then you can leave, but leave respectfully.”

Teach your overly compliant child to speak up

Some kids don’t have the ability to confront anything. They are just helpful, positive and approval-seeking. While this seems like the perfect situation, these children are often in jeopardy of not knowing how they feel or how to handle tough situations with others.

Most of the time, an overly compliant child is afraid of disappointing you or being rejected if they challenge you. So make that a conversation and make it safe for them to have a voice. Say, “I know you love me and you are a great kid. But I want to hear what your opinions are even if you disagree with me. I won’t get mad and we’ll work it out.” In time, your child should (timidly at first) speak up.

The point here is, be the training ground for your future young adult, who needs to know how to navigate work, career, friendships, love, marriage and parenting. Help them learn how to stand up for themselves and confront others in the healthiest ways possible.

Best to your parenting.

It wasn’t until her senior year at Indiana Wesleyan that Kinsey found her home in Wabash. She learned about Compass Rose during her senior seminar class at IWU. She was nervous about the idea of working residential treatment but changed her mind after a campus tour. “I was totally convicted by the Holy Spirit,” she said.

Kinsey fell in love with being a part of Compass Rose the second she arrived on campus. “I never imagined myself working in the residential setting, but I was totally overcome with conviction when I stepped on campus. This is not just a treatment program. It is a family. Very real and powerful life-changing growth happens here.”

Due to her love of our family environment, it was no surprise that one of her favorite things about working at Compass Rose is parent weekends. “It’s an incredible time of connection, vulnerability and healing,” Kinsey said. “I feel closer with our students and their families during our quarterly ‘reunions.’”

One of Kinsey’s best qualities is her love for the girls. She is always connecting with them and making them feel loved. For example, she recently told us about a particular encounter with a student that made an impression on her. “A few months ago, I was having a conversation with a student and she was talking about one of her favorite foods. I said, ‘I love cheesecake too! Let’s go out for cheesecake when you graduate!’ She looked at me so sincerely and said, ‘You said WHEN I graduate. You have a lot of faith in me!’”

That last statement had a powerful impact on Kinsey. “It seemed to be the first moment she realized that she could do this and that she had people believing in her and coming alongside her in this journey,” Kinsey explained. “Since then she has blossomed and taken real steps toward graduation and her treatment. These girls just want to know that their past does not have to define them and that we believe in the hope of a new future for them!”

As a lead house parent at Compass Rose, Kinsey’s responsibility is to provide a safe and secure environment for the girls as they grow during their time here. She takes pride in forming connections with the girls that result in long-lasting change at the character level. As part of the treatment team, Kinsey is also responsible for providing insight into the progress of students and advocating for their needs to be met.

When she is not supervising and delegating daily activities in the cottage, you will most likely find Kinsey taking a long afternoon nap or enjoying an exciting day on the lake with her family!

If someone close to you is suffering from a mental illness, you don’t need anyone to tell you that others suffer as well. It is hard to see their pain and the impact it has on others, even unknowingly. And it is easy to feel powerless to help.

A simple definition of mental illness is any condition that causes significant challenges in a person’s thoughts, emotions, behavior, relationships or work. A mental illness almost always makes life difficult for the person who has it in some way.

Many people feel helpless or overwhelmed when someone they love has a mental illness, which can include major depression, panic attacks, bipolar disorder, personality disorders or schizophrenia. They want to help but don’t feel qualified to help. In some cases, the person with the illness doesn’t even want help because their illness causes them to think that way.

But there are a few things you can do to help them to have the best possible life and outcome.

Listen actively

Everyone needs supportive and accepting relationships – that is how humans survive and grow. Yet when someone has a mental illness, we sometimes hold back for fear of triggering a response or upsetting them. This concern can lead to being “present but not present” with them, avoiding vulnerable or substantive conversations in favor of talking about the weather.

While such caution might be the right approach in some serious and urgent situations, a person with mental illness wants and needs people to understand them, listen to them, ask questions that show interest and help them know they are not emotionally alone. Just as you would do with a friend who has a broken leg, diabetes or cancer, talk to them about their life and share yours.

Help them to get help

Nowadays, there are very effective treatments for mental illness. Remember that some mental illnesses are curable, such as depression, panic attacks and personality disorders. And though some illnesses can’t be cured, such as schizophrenia, they can be managed well so that the individual’s symptoms and quality of life are much improved.

One type of treatment is talk counseling, or psychotherapy. The right approach used by the right therapist can go a long way toward improving an individual’s quality of life. Another therapy is medication, or psychopharmaceuticals. Medication can target the person’s symptoms with as few side effects as possible. However, a person with mental illness will often resist either talk therapy or medications because of fear, shame, side effects, culture or because they can’t make sound decisions.

In every way possible, try to help these individuals find help. Don’t think your love and support will fix them. Just as you wouldn’t assume a person with a gall bladder issue can be cured by love and support alone, stay on affected friends and family to get professional help. My book Handling Difficult People has strategies to help when a person with mental illness simply will not cooperate for their own benefit.

Become educated

Numerous resources can help you learn how to support a loved one with mental illness. For example, the National Association on Mental Illness has a wealth of information and support groups with whom you can connect. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Use the wisdom and help that so many millions have experienced.

I also am launching a digital role-play platform, which will show you how to have healthier conversations with a person who is mentally ill. Check out Townsend NOW for more information.

Individuals with mental illness can have a much better present and future. Your wise and informed ways of relating to them can make a positive difference.

Compass Rose Academy board of trustees announces today that they have chosen Ron Evans as the organization’s next chief executive officer. Evans will succeed Dee Gibson, the company’s longtime CEO, effective January 2018.

Since 2013, Evans has served as head of school at Traders Point Christian Academy in Indianapolis. Prior to that, he was president of Lenawee Christian Ministries and head of Lenawee Christian School in Adrian, Mich. He also was director of The Lodge and director for Life Action Ministries in Michigan.

“Ron has built a career working with children, teens and families,” said Dr. Eric Dale, chairman of Compass Rose’s board of trustees. “His passion for ministry and children combined with his business leadership experience make him an ideal leader for the organization, and we are confident in his abilities to lead this organization into the future.”

Gibson announced in October 2016 his impending retirement, which will take place at the end of 2017. After his retirement, Gibson will serve as a consultant to the organization.

“The board remains ever grateful to Dee for his leadership and vision. For more than 40 years, he has provided good counsel and triggered growth in key programs,” said Dale. “Dee is a man of God who has guided Compass Rose to be a faith-living organization every single day.”

Evans is a veteran leader in ministry and education. Prior to his experience with Traders Point, Lenawee and Life Action ministries, he served as president of office products companies including Prime Office Products and ASI Office Interiors. He earned his bachelor’s degree in economics from Luther College and his master’s of business administration from Bethel College in Mishawaka, Ind. Evans started his career as a high school educator and coach.

“My wife and I are excited to join a ministry with such a rich history,” said Evans. “I have always leaned on God to lead me in fulfilling my life’s purpose, and I believe He has led us to White’s and Compass Rose Academy.”

Evans and his wife, Jane, will move to Wabash, Ind., later this year.

“Each and every day, we carry out Compass Rose’s mission to redirect, rebuild and restore children, teens and families through emotional healing, personal development and spiritual growth,” said Gibson. “Through Ron’s leadership in education and Christian ministry, he shares a commitment to the mission.”

Many things have changed since you were a child, and teens today face some difficulties that you never faced. One of the greatest challenges for parents is understanding how to teach your teen to use the internet safely.

Parents today are wrestling with all sorts of problematic situations that the internet presents. Social media platforms, like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, are often singled out, but many blogs and websites can cause your teen to question personal priorities, desires and self-image. While many of these sites can be monitored, you as a parent know it is impossible to view absolutely everything.

In addition to monitoring and setting limits on internet use, there is more you can do. You are your teen’s only parents and even though it may seem like they’re not listening to you, they do hear you.  Be intentional about countering negative web influences by reminding teens of your love and commitment to them. You may have competition, but don’t underestimate your role in helping to shape their self-image. Let them know their worth and importance, not only to your family but also to the world around them.

In addition, you need to understand technology to combat its influence. Here are some things you should know:

• While many teens depend on social media to keep in touch with their friends and boost their sense of acceptance, these sites can have negative influences. Cyber bullying can take over many social networks, and it is so easy for teens to get wrapped up in the negativity, whether or not it is directed at them. Though social media may not be important to you, they are important to your teen. Create a monitoring plan to try to stay on top of the posts, and investigate if your teen seems unusually quiet or depressed.
• Social media can also create an obsession with self-promotion. Today’s teens are often seen posting “selfies” to gain attention or validation from their peers. These photos often receive a lot of comments, and while much of it is positive, some of it might not be. This is where cyber bullying can often start. Be sure to discuss with your teen the effects of cyber bullying and the importance of keeping a positive and healthy body image.
• Sexting continues to be a problem for teens. Many may feel it’s OK to send sexualized pictures to people they trust. It’s not. And with minors, it is against the law. Any image sent through email can be forwarded or posted to the internet, where it will live forever. Privates are called privates for a reason. Keep your teen safe online and teach them to value their bodies and their privacy.
• With constant access and connectivity to the internet, many teens now have an inability to be alone. The web offers great ways to stay connected, even with those who are many miles away. The downfall is that many teens become disconnected from the world around them and struggle with isolation. It can also pose a potential cyber safety threat. Teens who are always online might be more vulnerable to cyber bullying. Teens often feel that connectivity through their mobile devices or computer makes up for lack of face-to-face contact. However, this is an important time for them to begin developing interpersonal skills. Work with your teen on people skills and limit phone use during meals and family time.
• All of these issues stem from one fact: Teen are attached to their cellphones. While phones provide them with a way of keeping in contact with you, they can become major distractions. Make sure your teen is involved in activities that involve other people, such as a sport, club or part-time job. Limit phone use around family and family events.

As always, it is important to recognize what you are modeling to your teen. Are you glued to your phone and other electronic devices during family time or are you present and engaged? It will not solve all of your problems, but modeling healthy boundaries and use of technology is an important piece to remember.

Things are much different from when you were a child, but that doesn’t need to be all bad. If you are open with your teen and discuss and model online safety, with healthy, structured phone and social media practices, your teen should be able to enjoy the advantages of these mediums in a positive way.

Keeping your teenage daughter safe during the summer is your No. 1 priority. With the added freedom that summertime brings, it’s not surprising that this time of the year can add extra stress to parents. But, it doesn’t need to be stressful. With a few tips to ensure your teen’s safety, you’ll be able to prevent your teen from acting out and enjoy the warm months carefree.

1. Devise a safe summer plan for your teen. The easiest way to ensure teens’ safety is by keeping them busy with a summer job. You will know where they are, and they will make a little spending money. It also is an efficient way to teach them financial responsibility and accountability.
2. Discuss car safety. If your teen is of legal age to operate a vehicle, discuss safe driving habits such as always wearing a seatbelt, no phone usage and no eating. New drivers also are not allowed to have passengers in the car for a certain period after they obtain their license.
3. Discuss the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Let your teen know how powerful peer pressure can be and that it’s OK to say no. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t make it cool or smart. Explain the risks of substance abuse and the long-term troubles it can create.
4. Be clear with your teen about your expectations for keeping in contact. Let them know you expect their phone to be charged at all times and that they should inform you if their location changes. It’s important to know where they are throughout the summer.
5. Get to know their friends. Have faith in your judgment and ability to spot any warning signs that these friends might not be the best influences.
6. Talk with them about sex. This may not be a conversation you want to have, but it is incredibly important. The summer months are when teens are most likely to become sexually active and engage in activities like sexting. Be intentional about inviting questions and conversations, while also directly expressing your values and expectations about sex. It will benefit both you and your teen in the long run.

Summer should be a time to relax for both you and your teen. Avoid stress by keeping open communications. Following these simple steps should lead to a happy and healthy summer for all of you!

As a parent, some of us naturally gravitate toward the role of good cop while others put on the bad cop hat. To fuel positive growth for your teen, the good cop and bad cop must balance.

Ultimately, your daughter’s behavior will decide how she is disciplined. Your role is to trust God, set a positive example and be consistent with your actions. By doing so, you are giving her the tools she needs to excel.

Here are the core actions to take when disciplining your teen:

Be open and firm.

As your daughter grows, she will challenge you. Hear her side of the story, but hold your ground. Rather than pulling out the “because I said so” card, explain your reasoning for taking disciplinary action. This creates an educational experience for all involved and ideally prevents the same problem from repeating itself. Remind yourself that your daughter’s ability to be assertive and speak her mind are not bad things and actually show internal strength and resilience. She exercises this strength by speaking her mind and she learns to accept limits as you stand firm with yours.

Celebrate good behavior.

Did your teen go above and beyond? When your teen devotes her free time to teaching younger children during Bible study at church, or something similar, express your appreciation. For example:

• Have your next family dinner at her favorite restaurant.
• Allow her to host a slumber party.
• Purchase a book she wants to read.

Rewards should not be expected for every good deed or act, but occasional recognition will encourage repetition.

Remove privileges for bad behavior.

Cell phones and televisions are privileges, not necessities. When your teen misbehaves, it is necessary to be the bad cop. In this case, remember to state the reason for punishment and draw strict boundaries so expectations are clear.

Incorporate faith-based lessons into your discipline.

Think back to when you were in school. The greatest teachers do not just tell you what you need to know, they tell you why you need to know it. Don’t only tell your teen how to behave. Offer her reasons to explain why that behavior is expected.

In our personal and professional lives, we are faced with endless choices, ranging from what we eat to how we respond to difficult situations. Consistency enables us to remain balanced. Apply that mindset to disciplining your teen. While you may naturally gravitate toward being the good cop or bad cop, it is also very important that each parent intentionally incorporate both grace and truth in your interactions with your daughter.

By  John Townsend, Ph.D.

One of the most important goals of any parent is to launch their adolescent into the adult world with a healthy sense of power. I define “power” as the capacity to change one’s environment.  Here are examples of helpful power:

• Setting healthy goals and following up on them to completion.
• Choosing the right sorts of people to hang out with.
• Influencing and helping others in positive ways.
• Saying “no” to drugs.
• Using time, talents and energy to create a great life.
• Resisting the influence of toxic people.
• Confronting others in healthy ways when necessary.

Rather than letting the environment shuffle your adolescent around, let her take charge of what is happening. Sometimes parents see the impulsive or aggressive teen as the one who has power rather than the more reserved child. Actually, it can be the reverse. The impulsive adolescent actually has little power over her drives or emotions ­– she is a slave to her impulses and needs to develop the power to resist them. The more reserved child can be covert and sneaky, doing end runs around her parent to get what she wants.

Look at power as something that is good, that can change things for the good, for your teen.  Here are some tips:

Give them safety and acceptance. To develop the power to create, influence, follow through or confront, teens need to know they have a safe place to go. Love and acceptance provide the strength to take the initiative or risk. Your adolescent needs to know she is “OK” in your book, win or lose, success or failure. She needs to hear “I love you” regularly, even if she rolls her eyes at you. A part of her deep inside really needs to hear that!

Have consistent and reasonable house rules. Power comes from the security of knowing that structures in the family provide a fairly predictable environment. That means set meals, chores, homework and family times. It also means that chaos does not reign in your house. While teens gripe about not having enough freedom, the research says they do not thrive when there are no rules. My book Boundaries for Teens describes this issue in depth.

Accept challenges. To be a person with power, you have to push against others at times, disagreeing and speaking your mind. When your teen is shamed or punished for disagreeing, she learns quickly to go “underground” and keep her true feelings and power to herself. Great parents welcome challenges from their adolescents as long as they are conveyed with respect. You are the first person your child will push against, and you have to be prepared to be loving but firm. Once she learns, “I disagreed with my parents, and the world didn’t end,” she’ll learn to speak up. This is the beginning of power.

Encourage reasonable risks. Often, teens are more into apathy than taking risks. It’s much safer. Sports, art, scholarships, leadership and service are all “lame and stupid.” That is not the sentiment of a superior person but of one who is frightened and powerless. In every way you can, encourage your teen to find her passion and to pursue it regardless of roadblocks. Be the parent who comforts her if she doesn’t make the team but then encourages her to try something new. Of course, “reasonable” means helping your teen evaluate risks that might be unrealistic versus those that are a stretch but possible. My parents never told me I could play NBA ball, and that was a good thing!

Talk to them about the benefits afterward. Neuroscience teaches us that experiencing or discussing something causes it to stick with us much longer than if we don’t. So after your teen does something that shows her power, ask her, “What did you gain from this? How are you better off now? How can I help you on to the next step?” Help her to see that she benefited from an experience (happier, better friends, fewer problems, more success, etc.) and encourage her to continue on the path.

We need healthy, happy, powerful teens in this world!  Take care.

As you well know, the teenage years can be difficult ones. Just when you think you have seen and experienced it all, your teen does something unimaginable. You expected these years to be hard, but never like this.

It’s completely normal for teens to make mistakes (maybe many) on their journey to adulthood. However, the more slip-ups they make, big or small, the harder it is for you to let go. As a result, the parent-teen relationship develops into an unhealthy cycle of pain, distrust and resentment from both sides.

To say the least, holding on to past mistakes, bringing up old issues and treating your teen’s behavior as a personal attack can make the teenage years even more painful. If you are finding it difficult to forgive your teen’s mistakes, here are five tips that can help you navigate your path back to a healthy parent-teen relationship.

Accept her for who she is now

Research shows that teenagers’ brains are not fully developed and will not be until well into their 20s. Also, it is worth noting that the frontal lobe, which is responsible for logic, is the last part of the brain to develop. Typically, teens recognize when they have made a poor decision but in the moment act impulsively. This doesn’t mean they get a “get out of jail free” card. However, understanding that the teen brain is not fully developed may stop you from taking their mistakes personally.

Be like a police officer

When your teen screws up, it can be hard to stay calm. But it will help both of you if you think like a police officer. If you’ve ever been pulled over, think how the police officer acted: calmly asked for your license, maybe gave you a little lecture, and then wrote you a ticket or sent you on your way. No drama. As a parent, you need to try “policing” your teen in the same way: stay calm, issue the punishment, and move along.

Make time for them

Life gets busy, and schedules are tight. Regardless, it is important that you make time for your teen, even if that means eating dinner or going on a walk together once a week. During this shared time, don’t shoot questions. Let your teen choose the conversation topics. While it might feel a little strained at first, she will want to fill the silence and may begin to open up to you. Just listen. In the end, you will cherish this time together, and it will show your teen that she is your priority.

Don’t harp, be positive

If you’re constantly on your teen for things she’s done, you will not encourage her to do better. She will dread her interactions with you. Instead, focus on something positive. Before you go to bed, write down three things your teen did well that day. Then share these with her, although maybe not all at once. You will find plenty of things to address and confront about, but it takes real intentionality to point out the positive. Even if she brushes you off, it will matter to her and shows you are paying attention.

Think big picture

Punishing your child is not easy. Your goal is to raise a healthy, independent successful adult. This often means you may have to do something hard in the short term to benefit your daughter in the long term. You are planting seeds that will grow in time. There will be a time when your child will thank you for what you have taught her. We have a saying at Compass Rose that we believe that doing things the right way is often the hard way…and the long way. Be patient and keep your eye on the prize.

By Dr. John Townsend, Ph.D.

One of the realities that every parent of a teen must face is that ready or not, the job is almost over. That is, you are in the “deparenting” years, and you have only a short time to do all you can to help your adolescent be equipped and prepared to become something called an adult.

It is important for you to think about this in terms of future launch, not just in terms of today. Certainly you want your teen to behave well and make good choices because it’s much less disruptive at home!  But keep your eye on the ball: It’s about the future, not just about today.

One of the most important skills that your adolescent will need is competence. Competence is a “doing” skill more than a “relationship” skill. Simply put, competence is the ability to do tasks well. That can include a number of areas, such as homework study and research paper skills, finances, housekeeping, chores and planning. If teens do well in these areas, they are much more prepared to take responsibility for future career growth, marriage, family and service involvements.

Here’s how you can help them achieve competence:

Assign home chores. If you haven’t done this since age 3, start now! We learn to work by the work at home. That means everyone pulls their weight, for example:

• Cleaning the common areas
• Cooking
• Cleaning up after meals
• Laundry
• Errands
• Pet care

Your teen’s future spouse will thank you!

Get them involved in teams. People who are successful in the long term usually are able to work well in groups, teams and organizations. The ability to trust, give and take, and move together for goals is a very strong skill. As much as possible, help your teen get involved in sports, clubs, student organizations, church groups or leadership. It will pay off.

Require them to finish what they start. Any great college, trade school or future job will be exacting on results and performance. They have much less tolerance for “my dog ate the homework” or “I was in a bad mood” sorts of excuses than high schools tend to.    Adolescents have the disease of finding reasons not to finish things: “I was tired,” “I’m just over it,” “I’m too busy.” As much as possible, be the loving but firm parent who simply says, “You started this and I need you to finish it.” Words first, consequences if necessary (my book Boundaries with Teens explains this process in detail).

Praise results and great efforts, not just what is expected. No one ever was motivated to accomplish great things by being affirmed for doing the minimum: “Way to go, you got to school on time!” That just reinforces minimal behavior. Instead, give teens props when they knock it out of the park or stay up late studying in an attempt to do their best. They do not even need to win accolades from others to earn praise from you: “I am so proud of how much of your heart and soul you put into the science fair project, even though you didn’t get an award.”

Help them discover and develop their talents.  Adolescence is a key time for teens to realize their natural strengths and gifts. For example:

• Math
• Science
• Athletics
• Art
• Music
• Relational skills
• Spiritual matters

As a parent, notice these things, as your teen may not be aware of them. And go beyond noticing these talents to helping them find contexts to grow and develop them. Talk to your school’s guidance counselors. Find mentors. Get them involved with teachers who have that expertise. Have them intern with organizations that are engaged in the area.

Model competence. Teens who grow up in a home where parents are competent, work hard, and know what they are good at tend to follow what they have witnessed over time.  Let them see your own life, and see the positive results.

Adolescents are built to be competent, and they need a guide for that skill. Be that parent.

Managing money can be challenging long before responsibilities like car and rent payments enter the picture. Teens are faced with lots of wants and tight budget constraints, especially during the holiday season.

The fourth phase of our Growth Model, based on Dr. John Townsend’s work, is competence. Competence is the ability to be productive in the world and contribute meaningfully to others. To help teens attain competence as they transition into adulthood, it is important to teach them how to manage their money.

Here are five suggestions to help your teen learn how to live within her means.

1. Share real-life examples.

Let’s say your teen wants a new iPhone 7 for Christmas. It is too expensive for the family budget, and she’s not likely to get it. But instead of just telling her it’s impossible, explain to her why. For example, you may just have had a pricey car repair. Explain to her how much it cost and its effect on the family budget. She may be disappointed but she’ll appreciate knowing the family’s situation. It will also give you a chance to explain money management strategies such as budgets and emergency savings.

2. Encourage them to make money.

It is important for teens to make their own money. By babysitting every other weekend or being a hostess at the local café, your teen will learn how to manage her time, be responsible to an adult outside the family, and appreciate how hard work pays off. When your teen is making her own money, she will better understand its value because it cost some of her time.

3. Start a savings account.

Help your teen get into the habit of setting money aside, even if it is only $5 out of every paycheck or payment. She’ll learn that small, steady deposits can lead to a nice chunk of change in a few years. And that will be important when she starts thinking about college or getting a car.

4. Ask her to write down her needs versus her wants.

Encourage your teen to write down her needs and wants to help her prioritize her spending. If she wants a new dress for Christmas, she might need to dial back on eating out with friends. She’ll be doing this balancing act her entire life, so it’s good to get started early.

5. Let her make mistakes.

Some lessons need to be learned firsthand, like having an emergency fund. If your teen were to get in a fender bender, ask her to pay you back part of the expense, either from her savings or by doing chores around the house. As a parent, sometimes it’s important to step back while your teen figures out how to handle an unexpected expense or opportunity. It will let her exercise her troubleshooting skills, and it will show her you have faith in her judgment.

At Compass Rose Academy, we use and teach Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University for Teens. To learn more about our student educational and experiential activities, contact us today.

The Christmas and New Year’s holiday season is supposed to be a time of great connection, celebration and fun with your family, including your teens.  Unfortunately, adolescents are vulnerable to struggles during this period as well. A parent who is on top of things will make sure to look for, and take action on, these issues.

You can do a great deal to help your teen navigate the holidays next year or any year:

Don’t let them overdo out-of-home time.

For many adolescents, the holidays can become a nonstop party in which they spend 98 percent of their time with friends, leaving only 2 percent to grab some food and allowance money at home. While teens may be appropriately in the “deparenting” years of development, they are still living at home and need the connection and support of family during the holidays.  Otherwise, they might lose their emotional balance as their friends’ influence takes on outsized value. Set out some basic requirements and a calendar for when they need to be home with the family. A good rule of thumb is to keep the same amount of “home time” that they have when they are in school during the week, including meals, chores, family connection time, etc.

Don’t let sadness go undetected.

Holidays are a double-edged sword. They can be a reminder of love and good times, but they also can set us up to expect and hope for an ideal and perfect season, if there is such a thing. Also, something might trigger your teen’s emotions during this time: a divorce in the family, sibling struggle or maybe a medical issue. Sometimes these are called anniversary losses, and they have a powerful impact on teens.

As adolescents don’t possess the neurological maturity to metabolize losses, they don’t have the skills to deal with the feelings of disappointment and grief. So they are prone to withdrawal, depression or acting out impulsively. Parents can deal with this by avoiding the “talk happy at all costs” stance and talking with their teen frankly and openly about the disappointments that may have occurred. This will give them a chance to express their sad or angry feelings to people who can listen and contain them. They are much less likely to be overwhelmed and act on the feelings if they feel heard and understood.

Recognize family stress.

Often, a family will have current stresses going on as well as events in the past. Your teen may be facing friendship conflict, bad grades, a substance issue or tension with other family members. This can also cause your teen to withdraw or act out.

The solution for this varies depending on if the issue is a crisis or not. If it’s a true 911 (drug crisis, intense divorce situation, financial crisis, etc.), you must nip it in the bud during the holidays and tell your teen what’s going on, why it’s going on, and what you are doing to deal with it. In other words, you need to get the elephant out from under the rug, as your teen probably already knows a lot more than you realize.

If it’s a problem that doesn’t require immediate solutions (an alcoholic uncle coming to the party or a conflict between the teen and a sibling), resist the temptation to solve it all during a great dinner or gift-giving time. No one solves problems well during a time of celebration. Talk about it offline, making sure your teen has her say about it, and let her know that you’ll put energy into dealing with it when the holidays are over and things have calmed down.

Plan a service activity.

Finally, do whatever you can to get your family and teen doing some kind of service: wrapping gifts for the military, helping feed the homeless, visiting shut-ins, and much more.  Like all of us, teens need the habit of helping others to get out of the situational “me first” temptations of the season. We give as we have received.

Best to you and your family this holiday!

Dr. John Townsend

The holidays are always a special time in the year when we can take a break from our busy lives and show our loved ones how much they mean to us. To our dismay, the holidays have preoccupied our time with the need to buy the perfect gift or decorate the perfect tree. All of this takes attention away from connecting with our families. The first phase in our Growth Model, based on the work of Dr. John Townsend, is bonding. Bonding is the capacity to relate to God and others, to connect to something outside of ourselves. It is important this holiday season to bring back the holiday spirit and focus on what really matters, connecting with our loved ones.

There are many different ways to focus less on material things and more on what matters. Here are some ways to connect with your family during this holiday season.

Make gift giving a bonus.

Everyone loves waking up on Christmas morning and opening gifts. This season have your family focus on togetherness and the quality time you are able to share during the holidays. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun with gift giving, but try to not make it the focus or purpose of the day. By doing this, you can instill in your children to give generously as well receive thankfully.

Start family traditions.

For many families, the holidays bring around annual traditions. One way to grow closer during this time is to make a new tradition with your family to remind them of past memories and also make new ones. It doesn’t have to be an extravagant event. It could be making grandma’s delicious buckeyes or decorating the Christmas tree together.

Leave the electronics at home.

Whether you go sledding, ice skating or take a walk together, make sure to leave the electronics at home. Nothing takes attention away more than phones. If going the whole time without phones seems extreme at first, start with at least an hour of phone-free activity. Not using electronics will allow time for conversation and enjoying the present moment with your family.

Volunteer together.

It’s not about what you get, it’s about what you give. Many charities desperately need extra help during the cold holiday season to serve those in need. Even if you only have a few hours to give, your family can spend time working as a team to give back and potentially make another family’s holiday wonderful. By helping others you will emphasize the importance of love and care with your family.

The key to growing closer with your family over the holiday season is to step away from the hustle and bustle and spend quality time with those you cherish. Holidays are not about gifts, but about sharing time you have with those you love. We wish you a blessed holiday season with your family and loved ones!

With the rising popularity of social media, such as Instagram and Snapchat, it is easy for girls to become immersed in trying to achieve picture perfection. This can have so many ill effects.

Social media allow users to tell the stories they want to tell, and those stories might contain idealized or even false images and descriptions of bodies, fashion, friendships and dating. Comparisons with these posts might enhance any insecurities that girls might have about themselves. Look at any teen’s Instagram account and you will see posts that are mindfully crafted in pose and caption, seen through a filter of happiness. But for some, the happiness portrayed may be just that … a filter.

Young women spend many hours on social media, often comparing themselves to the filtered images they see, which can create a sense of envy or unhappiness. Instead of trying to emulate worldly ideals, encourage your teen to go beyond the surface to focus on the beauty within. Looking through a spiritual lens, teens can post images that emphasize qualities associated with their relationship with God: compassion for others, generosity of spirit and faith. Social media accounts employing a spiritual lens will inspire purpose and meaning in your teen that goes beyond physical appearance and the supposed “flawless” life.

Inspire your daughter to be the light and truth and bring joy to the lives of others through her posts. As 1 John 1:5-7 says, “God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.”

Social media platforms are meant to create fellowship and connections with others, not make others jealous or covetous. By living in God’s image both in true and virtual reality, your daughter will foster positive relationships and connections.

Simple ways to “light up” social media include:

• Inspirational quotations that remind others that even though life may not be perfect, there is still so much to be grateful for
• Photos reflecting God’s beautiful world and the kindly acts of people in it
• Anything that might bring a smile to someone’s face
• Thoughtful questions that might encourage others to respond or reflect on their own spiritual journey

Social media can accommodate a wide range of content – they are not limited to the best, or the richest, or the most famous. They are ideal outlets for your daughter to showcase her inner beauty and to inspire others in a positive way. Just remind her to always be true to herself and follow her spiritual compass.

Another way to inspire this type of behavior in your daughter is to model it yourself. Does she see you present a certain image to your church friends or co-workers that is very different from the way you behave in the home? Modeling consistency by accepting yourself for who you are and relating to others with authenticity and transparency is a great way to help your kids learn to do the same.

Raising a teen is no easy task. Throughout the teen years, your child will have to make many difficult decisions in which the right choice is not always clear.

Plain and simple, teens want to fit in. Peer pressure factors heavily into the decision-making process, especially regarding serious issues such as drinking alcohol and experimenting with drugs. As a parent, you have an inherent desire to protect your child from risky influences that have the potential to harm her. However, you can’t and won’t always be present at the moment your teen is faced with a serious choice to make.

As your child grows older, parenting becomes more about guidance and less about control. You can always support your teen by offering love and wisdom and by just letting her know you’re there. By being present and attuned to your teen, you will be able to build a solid foundation for her to make responsible choices.

When your teen comes to speak with you regarding a poor decision she has made or is facing, make it an opportunity to connect, show support, and give guidance. The way you approach this discussion will impact whether they will feel comfortable speaking with you in the future. The key is simple: listen, relate and teach.

Listen

It takes courage for teens to speak with their parents about the hardships they are facing, especially if they believe their parents will not approve. Allow your teen to describe the issue or decision at hand. Ask open-ended questions that avoid yes or no responses. Listen to what is being said rather than thinking about your own responses.

Relate

Put yourself in your teen’s shoes. I’m sure you remember a time when you told your parents about a poor decision you made, and felt as though they misjudged you. Your role is not to make her feel guilty. It is to make her feel loved and supported. This is your opportunity to communicate to her that you are fully present.

Teach

Every moment in which your teen confides her struggles is a moment to teach. Teaching is a form of guidance. After you have listened and heard the full story, talk with your teen about her choices. Sometimes she might feel like she doesn’t have a choice. Help her by discussing some alternative and responsible options as well as their benefits and consequences. Emphasize what a safe choice is and remind her that her emotional and physical heath is the most important factor in decision-making.

When your little child has grown into a resilient teen, it is important to realize your role as a parent has transitioned to a guide. It is important to allow your teen to make decisions and carry them out. Allow her to live and learn from her mistakes and speak up when she makes responsible adult decisions.

The most important lesson you can teach your teen is to grow from past mistakes. Remind her that she will always have a close relationship with you as she walks through the challenges of life.

White’s Residential & Family Services, one of Indiana’s oldest and largest nonprofit social services agencies, celebrates the remarkable 40-year career of Chief Executive Officer Dee Gibson. Gibson has announced his retirement and 2017 will be his last year as CEO.

“Kathy and I know that we could not have accomplished what we did at White’s without the backing of the hard-working and dedicated staff, many of whom are like family. We’ve been honored to spend our professional careers at White’s Residential & Family Services. My wife, Kathy, has been my teammate throughout my career, and I am ever so grateful for what we have accomplished together. White’s is a very strong organization and I am retiring with full confidence in the leadership team and future of the organization,” Gibson said.

Gibson’s retirement celebrates a career centered on the well-being of children. He has served on numerous boards and committees dedicated to the welfare of children including the 2004 Indiana Commission for Abused and Neglected Children and their Families. Gibson was the first president of IARCA’s Institute for Excellence Board of Directors and Public Policy Committee. In addition, he was president of the board of directors of the Indiana Association of Resources and Child Advocacy and has served on the board for more than two decades.

“Each and every day at White’s, we provide hope for children, teens and families in need of guidance. No one has been more committed to this mission than Dee. He has challenged staff, families and children to strive toward lives of character and service to others and God. His leadership and vision has helped to make White’s what it is today,” said Board Chair Dr. Eric Dale.

Gibson has served at White’s for 40 years – 19 of those as CEO. Under Gibson’s time as CEO, White’s has accomplished many of its long-term strategic initiatives. Dale cited a number of accomplishments during Gibson’s leadership, including:

• Acquired Christian Haven, a residential treatment center for boys and girls in Wheatfield near Valparaiso, Ind. The 2014 addition was the result of careful planning by White’s and its board and allowed White’s to expand its level of care to secure care programs.
• Based on his belief that no family is exempt from tough times, Gibson opened White’s first private-pay, parent-choice residential treatment center for troubled teen girls, Compass Rose Academy, in 2012 to reach teens who have not yet entered the juvenile justice system.
• Expanded statewide with new offices in Columbus, Fort Wayne and South Bend, enabling White’s to serve more youths and families and grow its foster care programs.
• Launched home-based services and special needs adoption programs.
• Grew and improved the 800-acre campus with the addition of the Hodson Center, Student Family Life Center and Greenhouse, and performed much-needed renovations to the chapel and swimming pool.
• Established White’s first development office in 1997 and significantly grew its endowment to sustain White’s tradition of serving at-risk children, teens and families.

“Dee showed with the opening of Compass Rose Academy that he understands the pressures of parents today and has constantly been proactive with programming to meet the needs of children and their families,” said Dr. John Townsend, a New York Times best-selling author and consultant to Compass Rose Academy. “However, what I might admire most about Dee is that he is a man of faith who has guided White’s to be faith-living organization every day.”

Since 2012, White’s board of trustees has been involved in succession planning and has initiated the procedures for the CEO search. White’s has engaged Keystone Executive Recruiting and Consulting to assist in the search for a new chief executive officer. Keystone will consider internal and external candidates for the position. A job announcement is available here. Gibson will remain CEO at White’s throughout 2017
until a successor is chosen to carry on the traditions of the 160-year organization.