Mike Haarer, Vice President and Executive Director of Compass Rose Academy, presented at the Midwest Regional Conference of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP). His work on the Best Practices Committee encourages all residential facilities to work toward accreditation. Compass Rose has maintained accreditation since 2012 with the Council on Accreditation.

Also presenting were Madeline Spring, CRA’s Admissions Director, and Scott Makin, Executive Director of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling at Concordia University Irvine. This presentation is the fruit of a new initiative by Compass Rose to promote a deeper understanding of the therapeutic Growth Model at the heart of Compass Rose. Here’s what Madeline, CRA Admissions Director, said about it, “We had a blast using movie clips and music videos in our presentation on the Compass Rose Growth Model and how to use it with Memory Reconsolidation to bring healing to our clients and their families at deeper levels.”

We are pleased to announce Shane Whybrew has joined the Advancement Team as the new Director of Donor Stewardship after serving three years as Pastor of Stewardship and Resource Development at a large church on the northside of Indianapolis. Shane has dedicated all 25 years of his work experience to full-time ministry within the generosity and stewardship continuum of engaging donors. Shane began serving in development and fundraising in 1994 after graduating from Purdue University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Industrial Technology.

If you like to grill and smoke meat, drink Ethiopian coffee, or head to the lake to fish then you’d get along just great with him. Shane and his wife Kris have been married 23 years and have been blessed with three children, Sadie, Lily, and Kaleb.

“We had their passions and dreams up on the board,” Katherine Kelly, Compass Rose Academy’s new Academic Director, said. It is part of the new project-based learning system. Academic standards are met by beginning with a problem, a problem that grows from the passions and concerns of the students.

“What motivates you?” Katherine asked them. “What do you want to change in the world?”

She was not surprised by the depth these questions elicited from the young women, though those not familiar with the character and insight that trauma can carve out in people might find their answers troubling…

“How does compassion affect mental health?” one young lady wondered.

“How does bullying impact the rates of suicide?” asked another.

“It began to go from small to big,” Katharine said, when another wondered aloud why bees are disappearing. Ideas were shared. Long-term consequences were pondered, and soon we were dreaming up tee-shirts to combat the environmental issue of the missing bee! The tee-shirts would read: “Bee the change.”

CRAs project-based learning will bring together many disciplines – English, the Arts, geography – to study a problem and still other disciplines – math, science, history, perhaps – will be used to come up with various solutions to those problems.

Project-based Learning “allows the learner to conceptualize, develop and complete a concrete project with the application of the concepts acquired. Discussions and lectures are still provided in this approach, but for a brief amount of time. More time is devoted to the development of the project. The learners are given the chance to collaborate, think critically, learn about careers, communicate effectively, and tackle real-life problems and situations as they go about their projects.” (Bright Hub Education).

Katie started it.

“We saw her take the concept and develop it right through to completion,” said Kenny Harvey, the Director of Experiential Learning for Growing Teens for Life. He and Tim Main, the Grounds Supervisor, worked right beside Katie as she took her idea for a Butterfly Garden on White’s campus and turn it into reality.

“She worked with Tim and me,” Kenny continued, “and her parents bought some material. Some we donated from 50 East, and some we had donated through Monarch Watch.”

In fact, Monarch Watch, a nonprofit education, conservation, and research program based at the University of Kansas that focuses on the Monarch butterfly, its habitat, and its spectacular fall migration, donated over 200 milkweed plants.

“The impact this project had on Katie was obvious. She was much more self-assured and had more leadership in the project as it progressed,” Kenny said.

Katie, a student at Compass Rose Academy, has since returned home. The impact she has had on campus will continue for many years to come. Kenny Harvey has plans in fact. “We are hoping to use the garden as a community service project for Compass Rose, allowing students and interns help design it as we expand it.”

For Katie, the project helped her earn the Girl Scout Gold Leadership Award.

For Compass Rose and all of White’s, students and staff will be exposed to butterflies, their importance in nature, and why they are endangered, not to mention the simple appreciation of something so very beautiful and so very fragile.

“The garden’s symbolism is profound, especially for our students,” said Mike Haarer, Vice President and Director of Compass Rose Academy. “The Monarch, in particular, undergoes an inspiring transformation, a transformation that reflects the potential of change and growth every young lady here has within her.”

“Yes, Katie started a wonderful thing here.”

We are excited to announce as part of our strategic Growth Model SOAR initiative and ongoing work to infuse our program with Growth Model training, language, and support, we’ve made an agreement with Scott Makin to provide ongoing training, supervision, and consultation to all of our staff. He is a leading expert in this model, so we are blessed to have his expertise!

Scott Makin is the Executive Director of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling at Concordia University Irvine. He is involved in the curriculum design, student and faculty recruiting, faculty training, and marketing. He is also an Assistant Professor of Counseling and a licensed mental health counselor.

Scott met Dr. John Townsend in 1996 and has worked with him in various speaking engagements. In 2010 he began working with John to bring John’s Leadership Coaching Program to Indianapolis in 2011. He has co-facilitated 5 different teams with John. Scott also created the Counselor Training Program with John and co-facilitated this with him in 2012-2013. Scott then led this program for two years.

Please join us in giving a warm welcome to Katherine Kelly. She has worked in both public and private Christian school settings and has a history of serving on an accreditation team for a school working through the accreditation process with the Association of Christian Schools International. Katherine has served in a professional development leadership capacity for a team of teachers in the past and is currently working on her Masters in Curriculum and Instruction. She is highly motivated and has felt led by God to join our team. Katherine has a great heart for the students at Compass Rose.

We are also excited to announce after years of consideration and a focused year of strategic planning with our senior leaders, board members, and an education committee, we have decided to move to a private school model. While our current school has served our students very well, we look forward to the new arrangement which will allow even greater integration of our clinical, residential, and academic services.

We have been working with our partners at MSD of Wabash County to develop a transition plan to a new private school model. This new academic program will continue to utilize an online component as well as new innovative and rigorous academic offerings for our students. These components may include but are not limited to Project-Based Learning, STEAM courses, outdoor education, Service-Based Learning and vocational opportunities for students. Katherine will work to transition our program to a private school model with an official launch date in August of 2019 at the start of the next school year.

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

Unfortunately, when a teen is going through a difficult season, it never happens in a vacuum. The negative behavior, words and attitudes affect everyone in the home. Two things happen: parents don’t know how to communicate to the family about the situation, and also they don’t know how to communicate about life itself. It’s as if the problem takes over the home.

Here are tips to help restore some sanity and love to your family functioning if you’re facing discord in your home.

Communicating about the teen.
Your spouse and other kids need to know what’s really going on and how they can best cope with the situation. Very young siblings might be easily overwhelmed by information that their emotional state can’t handle. But with older kids, more information is better. Here are some things to do:

• Tell them the nature of the teen’s problem, what you know about its origins and its severity. They probably know a great deal already. But frank discussion will expose the elephant under the rug, so they can become less anxious and feel free to process the information.

• Ask them what they think and how they feel about the situation to get their perspective. Often, a sibling will feel overly loyal and not want to narc on the troubled one. But keep in mind that this can take a toll on them: emotionally, socially and maybe even physically. Encourage them to talk about this.

• Assure your other children that you have a plan and are getting the right sort of help for the troubled teen and anyone else who needs it. They need to know they have parents that they can be secure with. If you don’t have a plan, promise the kids that you are getting one ASAP, and follow through with it.

• Give them suggestions on how to handle their own relationship with the troubled teen. Talk to a psychologist about this. Approaches can range from being loving but firm, to having a listening ear, to avoiding the person, to calling the police. A licensed therapist is the right source for this information.

• Don’t make your other kids the shrinks. Sometimes, a compassionate and empathetic child will also be a good listener, and many parents will turn to him or her as their “rock,” as I’ve heard parents say. That’s a mistake. That kid needs a parent who is their rock, not the other way around. Support the kid, and get your support from other good and stable grown-ups.

Communicating about life.
The “family train” must keep rolling. People have school to attend, homework to get done, jobs to go to and functions to attend. Be intentional about having weekly “family meeting” times (I suggest Sunday evening before the week starts) where you connect, discuss schedules, and have fun. If the troubled teen is disruptive, he or she should not be there. You don’t want the siblings having memories of life stopping for the stable kids, while all the attention went to the troubled kid. This includes making sure social events, games, family dinners and other fun events go on. Put extra energy into asking the other kids about their lives and being totally engaged in what they say and do. Don’t be preoccupied and anxious with them. Save those discussions for your friends and other supportive relationships.

A family can be strong and resilient enough to support the recovery of a troubled teen while continuing to nurture and develop the other children. Best to your parenting!

The national conversation is so full of criticism and negativity that it can be difficult to find opportunities to express gratitude. It’s easy to forget what we have when we’re aggravated by outside forces. Busyness distracts us, and struggles let us down. Worry reminds us we’re not in control, and pain can cause faith to feel distant. However, God grants us hope by giving us a choice to choose gratefulness.

Gratitude allows God to do more than transform our situation, it lets Him in to transform our hearts. Giving praise grants God power over our struggles and reminds us that He is the ultimate force for good. We can then thrive in His peace as we let go of the troubles that hold us back.

Creating a grateful home begins with parents. As our hearts become filled with gratitude, our teens can learn from our example, allowing gratitude to give them the hope that transcends earthly distractions and aggravations. Here are some tips to begin cultivating a grateful home:

Seek opportunities to serve with your family.
Whether it’s a kind favor for a neighbor or a mission trip, serving acknowledges that we can always give what we have. Serving gives us a purpose outside of ourselves. This will also foster nurturing relationships that teach teens to be thoughtful and encouraging to those around them.

Teach praise in prayer.
As you pray with your teen, remember to express thanksgiving to God for all that you have been given. Although it’s easy to ask God for things, we often forget to thank Him for the blessings He has bestowed. Praising God as you pray with your teen models gratitude and turns the focus on all He is doing in your lives.

Practice appreciation.
Acknowledging the efforts of others fosters active participation in gratefulness. Teaching teens to express gratitude to others diverts attention away from self and onto the good in other people. Lead by example and vocally affirm what you appreciate in your teen.

Positive thoughts combined with action allow us to position ourselves toward a stance of gratitude. Sharing this outlook with teens shows them how to thrive through their pain. God can be praised in every moment; Thanksgiving is not merely a holiday but rather a reflection of our hearts. Every day provides an opportunity to create a grateful heart, and a grateful home.

Do you feel like your relationship with your daughter is strained? Do you feel disconnected from what is going on in her life? You aren’t alone. Many parents tend to feel this way when their child becomes a teenager, but taking an interest in her life will help to foster connectedness even during a difficult stage.

Connecting with teenagers can be difficult. Often they respond with one-word answers or shut themselves off in their rooms. But starting with less invasive questions (What’s your favorite class right now? What did you think about last night’s episode on TV?) can sometimes open the door to more. The key is to show warmth, interest and care, even when you feel shut out.

Though you might feel like you are bothering her, check in with your daughter every day. Even if she doesn’t feel like talking, she will appreciate having your full attention for a period of time each day. If she does feel like talking, here are some good questions to ask to learn more about her life and to show you care:

What do you need from me in your life right now?
It’s important to know when your child needs someone to lean on. Be there to talk to her and listen to what she’s saying. It’s important that she knows you are always there for her and a consistent source of support.

What happened in your day today?
This can seem like one of those questions that would annoy your daughter, but it shows you are engaged in her life and want to know about what she’s going through. This simple question can spark a great conversation between the two of you.

Do you know how much I love you?
It’s always special to remind your child that no matter what, you will always love her. The teenage years can be some of the hardest of her life, and reinforcing your love will allow her to open up to you.

What do you daydream about?
This is an important question to ask. Knowing what she is hoping to achieve in the future can allow you to lead her in the right direction. Let her achieve her goals as independently as possible, but ensure she knows you are there to help whenever she needs it.

What makes you happy?
Knowing what makes your child happy can be invaluable information, though she might find it hard to put into words. Knowing some things that make her happy can help you connect with her in ways that she enjoys. She may seem to always prefer friends over time with parents, but she will appreciate your attempts to connect with her world.

Sometimes a simple question is all it takes to strengthen bonds with your daughter. She still needs you even if she doesn’t show it, and she wants you even if she doesn’t know it.

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

Few conflicts are more difficult and stressful than having an adolescent in your home who is struggling. It’s hard on the teen, hard on the parents and hard on the siblings. Some parents, however, are more vulnerable to the stress than others. They can feel overwhelmed and be easily triggered and discouraged. This then keeps them from being the healthiest and best parent they can be.

If your spouse is in that vulnerable place, here are some ways you can provide support.

Attune to their feelings.
When overwhelmed by a child’s disrespect, conduct problems, school troubles or emotional issues, some parents will be flooded with very strong negative feelings. These might include anxiety, confusion, anger, helplessness, guilt or shame. The last thing a vulnerable parent needs is to be alone with these emotions. It makes their brain work at a lower level.

In these cases, it’s best to listen and be empathetic. Authentically listen and engage your spouse in conversation: “That is really overwhelming … tell me more,” or “I’m so sorry … how else did that feel … I get it.” Don’t offer advice or observations such as, “You need to get it together … our son needs you to be calm,” or “You’re overreacting to his trigger behaviors … be rational.” Attunement gets better results than explanations and advice.

Be aligned.
Join them in a united front as spouses and parents. Let them know you are on their side in tough times. You may not agree on some matters, such as how to discipline or help your teen. But when your spouse struggles, it’s not time to major on the minor differences. It’s time to major on the majors. Offer words of encouragement: “I’m with you and I’m with us,” and “We will figure this out.”

Bring the strength.
A struggling spouse often feels powerless and impotent with a difficult teen. Your partner might feel totally drained and unable to act. Show strength by saying something like, “Why don’t you let me have this hard conversation with her? I want to give you a break.” This gives your spouse a little time to restore and center themselves.

You don’t always have to tackle the difficult situation by yourself. Sometimes a struggling spouse just needs a little backup. If your partner is feeling strong but a little tired, you could say, “If you’re in an OK place, let’s talk to her together.”

United you stand. Be strong when your spouse is weak. If the tables turn, reverse the support. Best to you!

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

As your teen enters the developmental season that will prepare her for independency and autonomy, things can get rocky at home. She may be showing a negative attitude, defiance or acting-out behaviors, or she may be spending time with the wrong kids, shirking her school responsibilities or using substances.

While most parents want to support their adolescent through this growing process, they don’t know what to do with some of these very negative behaviors. Their first step should be to set boundaries, just as they did when their child was younger. But it’s important to set the right boundaries to help your teen navigate this necessary time of life.

If your teen is doing well, she doesn’t need a lot of boundaries. Freedom comes from trust, and trust comes from good behavior. So a parent’s goal is to reinforce good behavior and healthy living. All teens should be responsible for waking themselves up, getting to school, helping out with family chores, doing homework, getting to bed on time, getting good grades, staying away from substances and the wrong friends, and not being violent with others. There shouldn’t be a lot of drama.

But if things are not going well, you’ll need to talk with your adolescent about her behavior and have a serious discussion about boundaries. This will include her abiding by a reasonable life structure with the expectations spelled out. These expectations are her boundaries.  If she chooses not to follow the boundaries, she will face the consequences.

Consequences help teens learn to take ownership over their choices. To be effective, consequences must:

• Involve either removing something she loves (phone, computer, social time) or adding something she doesn’t love (extra chores).
• Be reasonable, meaning they are not too strict or meaningless. The consequence must fit the severity of the boundary violation. For example, you don’t send a kid to Outward Bound for a messy room, and you don’t take away the phone for drug use.
• Be communicated with love, not anger. You must convey to your child that you are not trying to show who’s boss. Instead, show your concern, and tell her this is necessary to provide stability to her and the family.
• Be followed up with action. Don’t threaten consequences then say you’ll implement them tomorrow. Delayed follow-ups are worse than no boundaries, because your teen is learning your words don’t matter. Teens quickly learn to tolerate an angry parent because they know he or she won’t actually do anything about the behavior.

Using this blog, create a written document (one page) that lists your expectations and the consequence for violating each. Post it on your fridge or somewhere prominent.  It will help you and your teen see, in a clear and objective way, that there is a way to behave that works, and a way that will have negative consequences.

Boundaries are ultimately about love and freedom. Stick to them and be positive with your teen. For more information, refer to the updated and expanded version of my book “Boundaries.” Best to your parenting!

Putting money away in a savings account is difficult for many Americans. Teaching your children smart money habits early on will set them up for success as adults. But encouraging a savings habit can be challenging when popular culture and media promote spending and a “you need this” mentality. They do not need to have the last word, however.

Here are some ways to persuade teens to save:

1. Match Their Savings Deposit
Anyone would find it more appealing to save money if they received a dollar-for-dollar match! Even a 2-1 match is a good deal. Offering a monetary incentive to save creates competition for your teen’s dollars.

2. Bring Other Incentives to the Table
Discuss some of the costs associated with adulthood, such as car expenses and college tuition. Be frank about what you can offer and what you expect your teen to cover. Then incentivize good saving behaviors:
• Offer to pay half for a first automobile if your teen saves up for the other half.
• Offer to pay for some or all college expenses if your teen can show a consistent savings habit based on a percentage of income.
• Offer opportunities to earn money by helping around the house, provided the earned cash goes straight into savings.
• Offer financial help with other large expenses based on a savings plan that you create together.

3. Combat Bad Spending Behavior
What good is incentivizing good savings behavior if your teen continues to spend mindlessly? For these teens, finding a job is the best corrective. Money they earn is more valued than money given to them. Jobs also give them opportunities to interact with others in the workplace and learn to keep a schedule.

Encouraging your child to save and spend wisely is best practiced early on. Teach the importance of delayed gratification and the satisfaction of having a growing savings account, which can help them feel more secure. Modeling smart saving/spending habits will show your teen the rewards that come with being money smart. Talk to them on how you make spending decisions or save for future expenses. Discuss debt too, and give examples of how you spend down or avoid debt. This is one of the most important educations your teen will have.

We each face the human story of failure. Whether it’s a failed driver’s test, failed job interview, failed relationship or failed dream, broken expectations and falling short of our hopes remind us we are not in control. We find ourselves weak and embarrassed when we mess up. It’s easy to get lost, lose direction, withdraw or give up.

Bob Goff, in his New York Times bestseller, “Love Does,” writes, “Failure is just part of the process, and it’s not just okay; it’s better than okay. God doesn’t want failure to shut us down. God didn’t make it a three-strikes-and-you’re-out sort of thing. It’s more about how God helps us dust ourselves off so we can swing for the fences again. And all of this without keeping a meticulous record of our screw-ups.”

It is Jesus who reminds us that our story isn’t over the minute we mess up. Though it may not exactly feel natural at first to welcome failure with open arms, we can rest knowing that God has more than enough room for our shortcomings. In truth, God wants to use our failures to redeem us in the story He has written for us.

So how do we learn for ourselves, and also teach our teens, that failure strengthens our faith despite the pain and uncertainty it causes?

Start by choosing to learn from failure. Rather than seeing failure as a roadblock, use it as a way to find an alternative route. If we can find purpose in our failures, we can let go of defeat and seek the redemption story God has planned.

Be open to failure becoming a gift. Though this transformation can take time, our broken expectations can become a tool that builds us up in a new way. God gives us the chance to swing again if we choose to seek His opportunity.

Find encouragement in the growth failure offers. God works in every part of our lives, weaving every experience in our stories to lead us closer to Him. When we encounter failure and the pain that comes with it, we can find healing in its purpose. The growth causes us to increase our dependency on God and trust how He will use failure to strengthen us.

Sharing the struggle of failure with our teens can remind them to find grace in their ongoing story. When teens face failure, remember it is an opportunity for them to grow in their relationship with God and also lean into relationship with others like parents and safe friendships. Point them toward Him, and He will use their failure for redemption and write their story to make them stronger.

It’s never too early to start parenting. Neuroscience research has shown us that a young child’s brain is more malleable and teachable, while change is a bit more work in later years. So it’s a good idea to have your approach to parenting applied while the cement is still wet, so to speak.

Here are some ground rules you can use with children to help guide them into maturity and success. They have been organized as contrasts in each area: “DO this” and “DON’T do that.” They will provide a simple manual for being with, and relating well to, your child.

Care for your own health: The younger a child is, the more vulnerable. Your child is a very, very high priority, but you must be as healthy as possible to give what is needed.

• DO be intentional about great health, self-care and being with supportive people who love you.
• DON’T drain yourself from your energy sources nor isolate from those who care.

Attach to your child: The primary need of young children is to be safely and emotionally attached to their parents. Nothing takes the place of this.

• DO be warm and comforting.
• DON’T get lost in the tasks of the day and forget to make the connection.

Stay attuned: Enter your child’s world every day to see how he or she sees things. This could be as simple as sitting on the floor, playing with blocks and engaging in active listening.

• DO ask children what they think and feel, and affirm their feelings.
• DON’T require them to listen to a great deal of your opinions and stories, just a few.

Provide structure: A consistent and loving structure keeps your child safe and focused.

• DO provide a stable home life structure and schedule.
• DON’T expose them to chaos and unpredictability.

Set boundaries: Clear, age-appropriate expectations for healthy behavior help your child feel secure and actually empowered.

• DO be consistent in boundaries and consequences.
• DON’T give up on following up because you are tired or feel guilty.

Allow full expression: Kids need parents to make them feel safe to disagree and develop their opinions.

• DO let them have their own ideas and feelings, including challenging you respectfully.
• DON’T prohibit them from their voice, but DON’T allow them to disrespect you in the process either.

Accept imperfection: Parents need to help their children face failure and loss, and to grow from these experiences.

• DO help them feel OK about themselves when they make mistakes and help them learn from their experiences.
• DON’T shame them when they fail.

Provide a guide to friendships: Learning to pick the right friends and having socialization skills are predictors of future success.

• DO help them make friends and learn to be a friend as well.
• DON’T keep them sheltered from friends, and DON’T forget to show them how to act with others.

Develop their passions and talents: Good parents help their children find out what they love and what their competencies might be.

• DO help them to find their passions and gifts.
• DON’T impose your dreams on their dreams. Their lives ultimately are their own.

Best to your parenting!

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

Nothing symbolizes the developing freedom of your teen more than having a driver’s license. The license is one of the last steps before ultimate autonomy and the new responsibilities and opportunities awaiting your almost young adult. It is something your adolescent has dreamed about and waited for.

This new freedom is also a reality that happens in real time. When our boys received their driver’s licenses, they were gone from home much more often. They took themselves to school, sporting events and social gatherings. My wife, Barbi, and I certainly missed them, but we were also happy that they were spreading their wings before their final launch into adulthood.

It’s also a stage that brings risk. Car accidents are the leading cause of death for 15- to 20-year-olds, and they account for 40 percent of all teen deaths. So there is cause not only for parental support but also for some healthy guidance. Here are the most important tips to assist you:

Be what you want them to be. Nothing causes a teen to ignore a parent like one who says one thing and does another. Parents need to model the behaviors they want their teens to have. If you are texting while driving, speeding, tailgating, changing lanes without signaling or not coming to full stops, your teen is recording that info. If you don’t show that you understand driving regulations, your teen is not likely to listen to your advice.

Two things are important here. First, monitor your driving habits and get them in line. We all use some wiggle room with these rules, but abide by the book for your teen’s sake. Secondly, get a copy of the regulations from your DMV and review them with your adolescent. By doing so, you are showing that you take driving seriously.

Ride with them. During drivers training, and for the year thereafter, be a passenger when your adolescent is behind the wheel. Try to do it two to three times a week, mainly during short trips of less than 5 miles. Then, if all is well, move to once a week after licensure. If your teen asks why, say you just want to see how the skills are developing. Do a lot of praising when it is deserved, and gently point out behaviors, in the moment, that need to change. Keep the praising more frequent than the pointing out, however, as otherwise you run the risk of being tuned out.

Set age- and maturity-appropriate rules for driving. Find out DMV rules on teen driving, such as night driving, passenger limits and curfew times. Write these down and place in a visible area in the house, so all of you understand them. Also include your “non-negotiable” rules such as no drinking and no texting while driving. I added “maturity-appropriate” here because your teen needs to be 16 years old not only chronologically but also emotionally. If your teen exhibits poor judgment, impulsivity or dishonesty, driving should be delayed until more maturity is achieved. After all, driving is a privilege, not a right.

Responsible kids should have all of the freedoms of any normal, healthy teen. But set reasonable consequences for bad driving behavior, and make sure those are written down, too. Most of all, enforce consequences consistently. Kids are sort of on an “autonomy exhilaration” phase when they start driving. Parents’ jobs are to keep them grounded (literally and figuratively) by following up with consequences if they are being reckless or immature.

Make sure the car is a safe one. Sometimes teens drive the family car, and sometimes parents will provide them with one of their own, depending on the family’s finances and priorities. If a family car is to be used, take it to a mechanic you trust and explain that you have a new driver and it needs to be evaluated for safety more than usual. Even though your adolescent’s hand-eye coordination is superior to yours, your judgment is superior, so safety is the top consideration for the car.

If you want your teen to have his or her own car, the same safety inspection applies. Also, make sure your teen pays some significant portion, if not all, of the cost of the car and its maintenance. Let teens know years ahead of time what the projected costs of driving will be so they can start saving allowance money and finding jobs. I have heard over and over again from individuals that requiring teens to invest their own money in a car has paid dividends. This is a great character builder.

As ever, keep your head, and keep the conversations going. You’ll get through the “DL” phase! Best to you.

It’s almost that time of the year! Your teen is counting down to spring break, and you need to get some activities together to keep her entertained. It may not be Florida, but the weather is getting warmer in Indiana too, which opens up a range of activities. Whether you live in a rural area or a big city, these ideas will keep your teen safe and happy over spring break!

1. Cook or bake something new. Cooking with your teen can be a bonding experience as you work (and troubleshoot) together. You both will gain a sense of accomplishment from creating something new, and you’ll have the satisfaction of doing something together.

2. Plan a “staycation.” Look at your hometown from the point of view of an outsider. Every city or town offers something unique to do. Visit a museum, antique shop or local park or go to another community to explore. You’ll always find something you’ve never done before.

3. Schedule a volunteer day. Confer with your teen on where you should offer your services: maybe the local soup kitchen, animal shelter or community cleanup project? Your help will surely be appreciated, and your teen will glow with the satisfaction that comes with making a difference.

4. Go to the movies or rent one. Let her pick – engage with her in a movie of her choice (even if you hate it) to help her know that she can have different likes or dislikes and still be close and connected to you.

5. Have a family night. Get everyone together for games or movies, and prepare a special snack. Create an opportunity to foster a culture of appreciation in your family by sharing what you appreciate about each other and your time together. Memories are made of such nights.

6. Try something new. Whether that is painting, baking or playing tennis, trying something new is a great way to bond with your teen.

7. Plant a garden. Now is the perfect time to plant those seeds. Research together some possible flowers or vegetables and design your garden. Buy the seeds or plants if you don’t have any on hand. Then plant and pray!

8. Read the same book. Decide on a title together and get two copies. Pause after each chapter for a little discussion. Doing so can be a valuable – and insightful – bonding experience.

9. Spend time outdoors. Go for a hike in nearby woods – everything will look new again in the spring. If it’s raining, grab boots and go outside anyway – stomping in the rain and getting muddy only enhances the experience!

10. Visit a nearby college campus. It’s good to get your teen thinking about life after high school. Being around all those students (who probably don’t have the same spring break) might energize her to think about the next big step in her life. Grab pizza and talk while you’re there.

11. Challenge your teen to stay off social media for 24 hours. While this might not be fun for either of you initially, it will get her to think about other ways of connecting with friends and developing other healthy hobbies. Offer a small reward or celebration when she reaches 24 hours. As a reflection, ask her what she liked and didn’t like about her fast from social media.

12. Scrapbook the last year. This activity is perfect for teens and their parents. Look through your photos and phones, then print out the photos she thinks best represent the past year. Get an inexpensive notebook and paste them in, remembering all the fun she had with family and friends. If you prefer, there are easy-to-use programs to create digital scrapbooks as well.

13. Make a vision or dream board. Ask her to print out images from the internet representing things she hopes to do or accomplish in her life, then arrange them on poster board. This will help her think about her goals and aspirations, and it will give you a glimpse into her heart and mind.

14. Make sure she spends time with friends. Offer to drop them off at the movies or park, or invite a few for a sleepover. It’s important she knows that you like her friends and it’s helpful if she can see you interacting with her friends in positive ways.

15. Relax. There’s nothing quite like taking it easy with your teen, especially after an eventful week. Modeling healthy rest and relaxation can be a very life-giving lesson she carries with her forever.

Spring break should be a fun time, but it also can be one that makes her think and an opportunity for you to develop a deeper bond with your teen. These ideas are only a starting place to help you design a week your teen will never forget. Intentionality is key!

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

Spring is here, and with it you may notice some changes in your teen, such as more energy, impulsiveness, restlessness and fidgeting. Call it spring fever, though that is not a true medical or psychological condition. But, just using common sense, why wouldn’t the warmer weather, increased sunshine and opportunity to enjoy outdoor time cause a boost in your teen’s energy level? It was probably hard being cooped up during the winter months!

Spring fever can certainly be an exciting and fun time for teens: longer days, sports, hanging out with friends and trips. But be aware of some unhappy side effects. When impulsiveness increases, so can trouble. Restlessness can result in attitude issues and acting-out behaviors.

Consider these tips to help this season be a healthy and enjoyable one for your teen and family.

Stay connected with your teen.

Children have a primary need for relationships, even adolescents who are pushing their parents away and developing their own social system. Whether or not they admit it, teens need an attachment to their parents, so make sure you have daily conversations (not lectures) about how life is going. This will help your teen to feel loved, stable and centered during this time.

Don’t alter family structure or responsibilities.

There is no reason to look at spring fever for a teen in the same way you deal with spring break for a college student. Those two are worlds apart. Spring break can be a great time. It involves more freedom for the young adult and much more time with friends. However, because there is little to no parental monitoring, many risks are involved.

Just because your teen may be moving toward spring break, there’s no need to relax the rules of the house. Spring fever is universal – it’s a celebration of the natural transition from winter. It’s simply not that big of a change, and your child doesn’t need a dispensation from family responsibilities and requirements.

In fact, what will help your teen to grow up and launch successfully into adult life is what I call an overall annually consistent structure. Basically, the household runs the same way all year with everyone exhibiting good conduct, kindness and academic diligence while doing chores and having a healthy extracurricular life. With that sort of consistency, children build character and discipline rather than developing a sense of entitlement or privilege.

Loosen reins in small and “earned” ways.

Having said that, there is nothing wrong with giving teens a bit more freedom during this time, such as a later curfew or other choices. Let them enjoy themselves a little. Be thoughtful about loosening the reins; it should be a reward for responsible behavior.

Channel the energy.

Help your adolescent to engage in activities that involve movement, exercise and the physical world. This is a good way to channel the increased energy. It’s especially important to require teens to leave the digital world and be present in the “real” world. Neuroscience research is clear on the negative effects of too much screen time on kids. Help them get their bodies moving, whether it be sports, working out or just walking somewhere with you or their friends.

No passes on disrespect.

This time of the year can also be one in which teens push limits as they test their power and autonomy. Power and autonomy are fine, as long as they are done respectfully. There’s nothing wrong with a teen who challenges your rules and expectations, but insults, bad language and yelling are not signs of growth. Be clear that respect and kindness are expectations, and be ready to impose consequences to back them up. My book Boundaries with Teens covers this issue in detail.

Have a proactive conversation.

Teens are often a step ahead of their parents, meaning that parents tend to be reactive to what the teen is doing or asking to do (and it always involves more freedom). So as the weather warms up, talk to your teen about how you want the spring to be a great time for everyone and decide together on some ground rules to make sure the whole family has fun.

As parent, you probably have a bit of spring fever in you, too! Enjoy the season and be present with your family during this time.

This time of year can be a bitter one for teens. With the low temperatures keeping them inside, it’s often easy for everyone to develop a case of “cabin fever.” But with a little creativity, you and your teen can have the best winter yet with some fun and easy activities!

1. If it isn’t too frigid, spend some time outside! Go sledding, build a snow fort or a snowman or have a snowball fight. The options are endless when it comes to fun in the snow! And after all of that playing in the snow, your teen is going to need something to warm up. Set up a hot cocoa bar by gathering some favorite hot cocoa toppings such as marshmallows and sprinkles, then load up your cups!
2. It’s great to get your teen to volunteer for those in need. Volunteer together at a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter, or simply offer your snow-shoveling skills to older neighbors. It will not only help those who need it, but both of you will also have a great sense of accomplishment.
3. If the cold is keeping your teen inside, take advantage of the opportunity to bond. Try cooking a new recipe together. The internet is a great source with millions of recipes, so you are sure to find something that appeals to you both. Cooking together is a great way to connect over small talk, and you’ll have a tasty dish to share afterward.
4. Get creative! Craft, paint or draw together. It’s soothing and relaxing, especially on a cold winter’s day.
5. Visit a museum or a local indoor attraction together, or see a movie. Even when the temperatures drop well into freezing, you don’t have to stay at home. Go explore your city together! If you feel like you’ve been there and done that, seek out shops in a nearby community.
6. Visit the local community recreation center with your teen. This can help both of you to stay healthy and keep your New Year’s resolutions!

Winter doesn’t have to be a boring time for you and your teen. Plan something fun on cold weekends, and you will create a bond that lasts a lifetime.

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

One of the most important steps in teens’ development is the dating stage, or when they begin to spend time with the opposite sex. It is a time for learning about values, intimacy, romance, commitment and ultimately how marriage should look. On the other hand, this exciting stage is one that causes great angst and concern for parents, who ask questions like: How do we know if she’s going to make good choices? What if he gets sexually involved?

Well, we can’t make dating the problem, because it’s probably how you chose your spouse, and it’s a good process. So here are some guidelines to help you navigate the issue so that it’s helpful for your teen and for you.

• Define the word. Younger teens will sometimes say they want to date, and what they are referring to is texting, Facebooking or having a conversation with someone at school. Just clarify that this isn’t really dating, and maybe rephrase it as “having a special friend.” Dating is largely considered to be the process of going out one-on-one with someone you’re romantically interested in on a prearranged outing. The “prearranged” part is important because it requires responsibility, thoughtfulness, consideration and planning, especially on the boy’s part. This is the opposite of some guy dropping by in his car and honking the horn for your daughter to come out, which is not dating.

• What age? Most experts land on 16 as the minimum age for dating. Developmentally, adolescents have matured enough to have internalized healthy family values, with some history of making good choices and relating well to the opposite sex. However, and this is a big however: Just because your teen is chronologically 16, he or she may not be emotionally 16. If a 16-year-old is 12 years old on the inside and does not do well on these three areas, you may need to work with them on growing up and upping their game.

• Set expectations. You have to earn the privilege of dating, as it is not a right. That means parents should have a conversation with their teen about their expectations, with the understanding that dating privileges might be revoked if expectations aren’t met. This ensures no surprises or misunderstandings.

• Family values-based behavior. An adolescent who wants to date should continue behaving in such a way that presents no major conflicts with family values. In other words, a dating teen should behave as a healthy teen from a good family: good grades, considerate behavior, no alcohol or drug abuse or experimental sexuality, and respect for authority figures such as teachers, police and both sets of parents. Hopefully, you have discussed these expectations throughout your teen’s life.
• Specific behaviors relating to dating. Then there are expectations for the specific arena of dating. This means obeying curfews, meeting parents of both teens and practicing safe driving.
• Writing down the rules. When nothing is written, you can end up with chaos: “You never said I needed to be home by midnight!” Avoid all that by talking with your teen about expectations about family and dating behaviors. Get their input and listen to their side respectfully. But in the end, you make the final decisions, and write them down. By the way, don’t make it more than one side of a page. Few people can engaged in, use or remember a list of ground rules if it’s longer than that!

• No kidnapping. Early dating can usurp a teen’s life. Lots of strong and intense feelings are involved. It’s easy for them to ignore friendships and spend all social time with their special someone. I call this kidnapping, and it causes an imbalance and possible social isolation. It also causes more pressure to bear on the sexual side of the relationship. A good rule of thumb is for teens to spend at least 50 percent of their social time with friends and no more than 50 percent with their romantic interest.

• Encourage dating around. Dating several people at once is a very good way to keep from being kidnapped. It also helps a person to prepare for marriage, because you can observe different styles, values and preferences in other people. Dating serially (one person at a time) limits a teen’s viewpoint. Also, when teens aren’t in an exclusive relationship, they are more likely to present their “best selves” to each other.

Dating is part of the last phase of parenting. Enjoy it and help your adolescent to grow from it. For more information, check out my book with Dr. Cloud Boundaries in Dating. Best to you.

Howard Schultz, former CEO of Starbucks, once said, “Great companies that build an enduring brand have an emotional relationship with customers that has no barrier. And that emotional relationship is on the most important characteristic, which is trust.”

Starbucks has built an enticing brand, especially to its primary target market: teenagers and young adults. But for many teens today, the brand is not the only thing that attracts them. There’s also the caffeine.

Teenagers across the United States are consuming entirely too much caffeine. Studies show that teens between the ages of 13 and 18 should not consume any more than 100 mg of caffeine a day. A typical coffee from Starbucks contains at least 300 mg of caffeine, or three times the recommended amount.

Soft drinks and energy drinks such as Red Bull and Monster are filled with caffeine and other ingredients that should not be consumed on a regular basis. It is important that teens understand the effects that caffeine can have on them. The major side effects of too much caffeine include nervousness, anxiety, jitteriness, sleep problems, gastrointestinal issues, tremors, increased heart rate and, in extreme cases, death.

The more caffeine your teen consumes, the more likely he or she will become addicted to it. Caffeine is defined as a drug due to its effects on the body and, just like any drug, is a hard habit to kick. Stimulants like caffeine directly affect the brain and cause it to crave more of the same. Because of its addictive properties, caffeine withdrawal is now recognized as a mental disorder.

The best way to counteract bad consumption habits is to know what the healthier options are. Here are some better alternatives for your teen when it comes to caffeine:

• Tea – While some teas at Starbucks still contain large amounts of caffeine, the vast majority of options available at restaurants and in stores are much lower in caffeine and sugar than coffee and other caffeine-rich beverages.
• Vitamin Water Energy – This drink contains no artificial ingredients and only 50 mg of caffeine in each 20 oz bottle.
• Chocolate milk/ hot chocolate – One glass of chocolate milk contains about 5 mg of caffeine, and hot chocolate contains about 25 mg. When drank in moderation, the natural caffeine found in chocolate is a much healthier alternative for your teen than coffee, soda or energy drink.

There’s no denying that caffeine can be harmful, especially in large quantities. Many teens feel the pressure of advertisements from companies like Starbucks. That is why it is important as a parent to understand the risks of caffeine as well as to know safer and healthier alternatives. Remember, as always, that your own modeling of healthy caffeine consumption may be the most effective way to impact your teen’s caffeine consumption!