Every time I teach on the Reality element of our Growth Model at Compass Rose, I’m reminded of how important and applicable it is. Whether you’re a teen girl in treatment, a parent, or anyone else, you are no doubt daily confronted with the opportunity to grieve losses, rebound from failure, or hold both the “good” and the “bad” in life. We define the Reality component of our Growth Model as “the ability to hold onto and pursue your ideals while accepting, forgiving, and redeeming the imperfection you encounter in yourself, others, and the world around you.”

During our Parent Weekend sessions this past weekend, we focused on developing the capacity for “integration” of positive and negative realities. We challenged students and parents alike to become aware of the subtle (or perhaps not so subtle!) voice inside that may be telling them that they are not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Rich, tall, funny, talented, kind, creative enough. On and on and on it goes. As we identify all of those labels, we begin to see that we are comparing ourselves to an ideal version of ourselves. And when we realize we are not measuring up to the ideal version of ourselves, we retreat, isolate, defend ourselves, or maybe give up entirely.

It’s impossible to maintain strong, healthy relationships with others when we are stuck trying to live up to or maintain some ideal image. Only when we can learn to bring our less-than-ideal selves into safe, caring relationships with others can those “negative” or hurting parts of ourselves receive the nourishment and love they need.

What would it look like for you to let others see and love you in the midst of your failures and imperfections, without having to hide? How might you also provide the space for others to draw close to you in the midst of their own insecurities without feeling judged? To learn more about our Growth Model and how developing the capacity for bonding, boundaries, reality, and competence helps us form and maintain healthy relations, call or e-mail us today.

-Mike Haarer, Vice President & Executive Director of Compass Rose Academy

I have 4 children at home, and each of them is so very different. Parenting, even disciplining, looks different for my generally accommodating oldest son than it does my charming youngest. In between those two, I have two very differently tempered girls – one who has instant access to anger at any given time, the other much more prone to sadness. For these reasons, it’s imperative that I know and understand the character structure of my kids in order to best help them grow and mature.

Reality is the character structure that has to do with integration. It entails the ability to grieve losses and hold the good with the bad in yourself, others, and the world. Those with deficits in this area are prone to feelings of shame and low self-worth. They can experience “I am bad” versus “I did something bad.” They also tend to have a harsh, inaccurate inner judge reminding them of their failures. While we all have a conscience that helps us navigate life, this conscience is designed to be warm and accurate, yet those with deficits in this area experience quite the opposite. In order for growth to happen in this character capacity, one needs to experience warmth from another human, outside of themselves, even as they feel they are “bad.”

This is a very fun thing to build into my daughter. As she tends to be harsh toward herself, we get the joy of watching her internalize our genuine delight in her, even as she breaks rules and makes poor choices! Sometimes we even encourage her to break rules so that we have the opportunity to love her in her imperfections! One evening at dinner she was feeling particularly low, hiding her face in her hands and sobbing because she had been mean to her sibling, and no one was as upset about it as she was with herself. One by one we challenged her to look around the table at each family member and ask them “Do you think I’m bad?” While it was hard for her to do at first, one by one each family member responded with a very different message than she had been feeling. “I don’t think you’re bad, I get frustrated too sometimes, and even though you yelled I still like you and I’m glad you’re here with us.” “I know you feel bad for doing that, but I also think about all the times you’re really nice to me and I like playing with you.” “I love you even when you make bad choices! I make them all the time!” As she went around the table hearing from each of us, our affirmations increasingly outlandish, she sat taller, tears subsided, and finally, her frown turned into roaring laughter. Had internalized our love for her. She experienced that, while she was not perfect and clearly had been in the wrong – she was enough, and she was loved.

This is the awesome work we get to do at Compass Rose Academy. We get to give parents a breather while learning about these character capacities and how to build those in, and together we get to bring experiential awareness to the young women that we serve regarding their worth. We help them grieve both their own mistakes and those made against them, holding the good and bad in themselves and the world- and amidst it all- embrace that they are loved. 

Director of Admissions

Madeline Spring, MA, LMHC

Wabash, IN, May 28th, 2020—Compass Rose Academy solidified their vision and commitment to providing services for families in crisis by announcing the formation of the Compass Rose Academy Board of Directors.  In 2012 the parent organization, White’s Residential and Family Services, expanded their footprint in the therapeutic industry by launching a parent choice residential treatment program serving families in crisis nationally.  Their vision for the future in an ever-changing therapeutic industry led the agency to create Compass Rose Academy.  This program directly provides access to critical treatment services for families in crisis.  Compass Rose Academy is very aware families today are dealing with trauma, addictions, relational struggles, and mental health needs at a pace no other generation of families have experienced. 

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, the suicide rate in the United States rose 31% from 2001-2017.  Our nation’s tragic rate of suicide is the second leading cause of death among our young people.  A 2017 National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that 20% of adolescents suffered a major depressive episode.  Of all teens who suffered an episode, over 60 % received no treatment whatsoever for their depression.  Out of that need, and to come to the aid of the increasing number of teen girls suffering from mental illness and the often attendant behavioral issues, Compass Rose Academy was opened. 

Compass Rose Academy’s vision is moving forward in response to an increasing demand for therapeutic residential services for teen girls nationwide.  The parent organization, White’s Residential and Family Services, has made the decision to incorporate Compass Rose Academy as a subsidiary of White’s.  The new Board of Directors has been formed to guide and guard the mission of Compass Rose Academy and will continue charting the future direction to bring hope, growth, and healing to the families they serve. 

“Compass Rose is an amazing organization and is distinctly both Christian and Clinical.  It provides a life-changing opportunity for teenage girls who desperately need the environment provided at Compass Rose.  It provides a place for healing and growing.  When I was first introduced to Compass Rose, I was profoundly impacted with the breadth and depth of the student offerings and the quality of the team—both the leadership and operational teams.  It is an organization grounded deeply in Christian values and all who are involved demonstrate those values in every aspect of their work with our students.  I am grateful for having the opportunity to serve on the Compass Rose Board of Directors,” said Dave Haist, Board President of Compass Rose Academy.

Compass Rose Academy welcomes the new Board of Directors: President, Dave Haist; Vice President, Pat Morrow; Board Secretary, Lisa Ford; Director, Michele Boguslofski; Director, David LePere; Director, Tom Cochran.  Visit www.compassroseacademy.org/leadership for more information regarding the Board of Directors. 

“This is a pivotal moment in the history of White’s and a defining moment in the future of Compass Rose Academy.  We are experiencing what happens when vision and mission align and pave the way for the future. The strategic direction for both agencies has never waivered. Compass Rose Academy’s commitment to providing a Christian and Clinical approach to restoring families will remain,” stated Ron Evans, President and CEO of White’s. 

Since 2012, Compass Rose Academy has been providing residential treatment services for teen girls and families in crisis. For over 170 years, White’s Residential and Family Services has provided hope and transformation through Christ to children and families in crisis through foster care, residential treatment, and community-based services.  Together these organizations will continue the mission of providing accesses to quality treatment and a place rebuild and restore families.  

I have had the unique opportunity to continue to work with my students throughout the past few months.

A lot of thoughts have run through my head during this time. I am transported back to how I felt as a student after 9/11. It was as if the world had stopped and I was trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I didn’t understand the gravity of what was going on in the world around me. I can recall being home sick that day and feeling concerned, a little confused but also safe in the comfort of my own home.

Being an educator during this time is a tremendous responsibility. Maya Angelou captured this essence perfectly when she stated, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” So how do I help my students navigate their feelings during this time? I don’t think there’s one right answer, but we have implemented the following practices in order to help our students navigate this new reality.

Stay Informed – Each day, we take the time to stay up to date on the news. This is not out of fear- but out of the opportunity to learn and fully comprehend the challenges our country is facing, how we can stay safe and what positives are coming from a nation in crisis.

Connect – We take the time to “check-in” each morning and connect. Everyone processes things differently, so discussing where we’re at emotionally can help students to connect with peers and feel safe in their classroom community.

Devotions – We start off each morning with a daily devotion that helps us to connect to God and place our trust in him, the ultimate healer.

Be Mindful – We are staying safe and mindful of our actions during this time. We are sanitizing our work areas, wearing masks, washing our hands regularly and stepping up to support each other.

I would encourage you to think about how you are implementing these practices in your own life right now. Is there one area that you need to focus more on?

By Katherine Kelly, Academic Director

In Genesis 2 there’s an account of the creation of the heavens and earth. God had made Adam, placed him in the garden and tasked him with naming all of the animals. Adam was in perfect relationship with God. This was before the fall of man and before sin entered the world. And yet, even in perfect relationship with God, free from the influence of sin, relationship with God alone was not enough. God saw that it “was not good for man to be alone” and God made “a suitable helper for him” (vs 18). God is relational – Father, Son and Spirit – and They created man in their relational image. Our relationships with one another reflect the relational nature of the Triune God.

To say that all we need is Jesus simply isn’t biblical. God never intended us to be solely dependent on Him for our relational needs, even before sin entered the picture. The vertical relationship between us and God is extremely important and is the most precious gift we’ve been given through Christ’s faith on the cross. Likewise, the horizontal relationship between us and those around us has always been a vital resource designed by God to meet our fundamental human needs. And yet, so many of us feel shame for having needs of others. We feel like God should be enough, or we should be able to get it together on our own. Neither of these was ever His intention. He saw that it wasn’t good for us to be alone, and He made another human. It’s okay to have relational needs, and it’s okay – even necessary – that we get those needs met in other people.

We all have relational needs, every day. We need acceptance, comfort, validation, encouragement, truth, forgiveness, feedback and many more. How aware are you of your relational needs? What are you in need of right now? How willing are you to ask safe people in your life to meet your relational needs? God’s there, but He also gave you physical people – bone of your bones and flesh of your flesh – and it’s necessary that you let those around you in to meet your relational needs and visa versa. We were designed for relationship.

By Madeline Spring, Director of Admissions

Personal protective equipment, or PPE, is getting lots of press these days during the Coronavirus crisis that is our nation’s current reality. Doctors and nurses on the front lines of the medical battle are clamoring for PPE that is in short supply to protect themselves from the virus as they care for those fighting it. This novel virus has made us all very aware of the germs we spread in our daily lives, especially those in medical treatment situations.

While I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of viruses and germs, there are others contagions worth considering and those are emotional contagions. Please hear me, emotions in themselves are not toxic. I am not suggesting that emotions should be contained like we are working to collectively contain COVID-19. But emotions can be contagious from person to person and they often require a response, especially if it is a negative emotion such as anger or sadness. And just like medical personnel and first responders put on PPE to protect themselves against germs and viruses, we also have responsibility to put on our own PPE in emotional contagions.

In CRA language, this is what we call “Boundaries.” This is the capacity to own what is ours to own and move from “I deserve” to “I am responsible for.” Boundaries are especially true in the area of emotions. So whether you are trying to figure out how to stay emotionally healthy in a time of social distancing and self-quarantining, or you are just trying to get healthier emotionally in daily life, here are some tips:

1. Put Your Mask On. You are responsible to take care of yourself first and I am responsible for me. If you and I are not in our own healthy emotional place, there will not be enough empathy or energy to care for those we love. Our nation’s medical staff is demonstrating this so well for us right now. They know that if they aren’t protected with masks, they run the risk of contracting the virus themselves and not being useful in their work. The same is true for you (and me)- maybe we need to care for our self and our soul, maybe we need to refuel by reaching out to one of our friends to get our own needs met relationally or spending quiet time in meditation, maybe we need to practice gratitude or honor our negative feelings. Whatever it looks like, put your own mask on.
2. Distance Yourself. Experts across the world are encouraging us to distance ourselves to “stop the spread” of Coronavirus.  And many of us need to “stop the spread” of emotional toxicity in our circles of friends and family members. We do this by developing our sense of self which allows us to grow in our ability to separate from toxic emotions of others. Unhealthy people in our lives know how to use their situations to pass on emotional turmoil to us. But we get to choose if we take that on or not. Sometimes we are in a healthy place and can step into empathy, grace, and compassion. And sometimes we just can’t- and that’s okay too.  When we develop a healthy sense of self, we become aware of what are our emotions and what are the emotions of others.
3. Flatten the Curve. We have to be intentional about de-escalating our own emotions in heightened or intense situations. Our ability to self soothe is the buffer between our internal feelings and our external expression of those feelings. We get to activate our self-soothing whether the people around us do or not. Through developing distress tolerance and emotion regulation, we create our own internal regulated pattern even if the world around us is unregulated.

Most of us are hopeful that our life returns to pre-Coronavirus status soon.  Some experts are saying there will be a “new normal” or new patterns that emerge because of this pandemic.  But I also want to encourage you to develop a new pattern of emotional health by developing boundaries using Emotional PPE. You have the power to protect, sustain, and improve your quality of life because healthy emotional boundaries actually enhance relationships.

By Stacey Ruberg, Clinical Director of Compass Rose Academy

Everyone is being affected by the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic in many ways. Many are experiencing some level of anxiety, and those that struggle with anxiety are certainly battling increased feelings of anxiety as this pandemic continues.   At Compass Rose Academy, we approach this season by helping others grieve their losses and allow space for people to share the negative experiences they are facing.

Fear grips many who are afraid for their loved ones. People are worried about their finances and how the stock market has been affected. What started as small and large businesses increasing social-distancing protocols and limiting their hours quickly escalated to many choosing to (and even being forced to) close their doors, creating grave financial loss. In addition to the fears of the unknown and what is to come, multitudes are grieving and experiencing loss.

Athletes who worked tirelessly to prepare for competitions are not able to compete. Parents and families who were looking forward to time together have now postponed or cancelled vacations. Experiences like graduations, baby showers, weddings, and honeymoons are not happening at all for the foreseeable future. Parents are taking vacation time or unpaid time off to stay home with their kids whose school has been canceled. Many are incurring unforeseen expenses and stresses while finding and paying for childcare. Kids and adults alike are feeling the real loss of physical connection with friends. The list of losses experienced during this pandemic is staggering.

How do you respond to losses in your life? While it’s helpful to be able to find things to be grateful for in the midst of loss- and yes, the ability to see the silver lining can be a relief- it is essential to allow yourself (and others) to feel and grieve the realities of life. The ability to deal with negative reality is one of four “life capacities” Dr. John Townsend and the Growth Model advocate are necessary components of a person’s character.

Our philosophy of care centered on the Growth Model calls this character capacity Reality.

To build this capacity into your character structure, you must learn to accept what is and grieve in healthy ways so that you can adapt to reality. Take the initiative and continue to lean into the losses you are experiencing:

• Identify/name your losses.
• Share with a safe person how these losses are impacting you.
• Assess your feelings and share the sadness surrounding theses losses.
• Allow for time – let grief do its work.
• Allow yourself to receive comfort from a safe person in your life.

At Compass Rose Academy, we say that with intimate, needs-based attachments we are not left without a way to meet our relational needs. Make sure you are using your safe relationships to get your needs for comfort met as you grieve and adapt to the negative realities we are all facing during this challenging time. Furthermore, be a safe person for others to share their losses and receive comfort, avoiding the tendency to minimize pain by attempting to lessen or fix it.   In this way, practice healthy grief in light of this pandemic.

By Madeline Spring, Director of Admissions

Curiosity almost killed our family feline a few months ago. My daughter provided a simple invitation by leaving the dryer door cracked open after retrieving an item to wear to church one Sunday morning. My husband walked through the mudroom on the way to start the car and latched the dryer door shut, unbeknownst to him that he was securing the cat in the dryer, which had begun her morning nap. We all went to church and came home for dinner. While the others were cleaning up, I started the dryer to fluff a load of clothes before folding them. I heard a “t-thunk, t-thunk” and remarked to my husband in the kitchen that it sounded like someone put a pair of shoes in the dryer. I also simultaneously looked in the dryer window to see the cat spinning with the clothes. Of course, I immediately opened the door and relieved the cat from her “Sunday ride.” She was unharmed thankfully.

Curiosity likely took one of our cat’s nine lives that day and has been blamed for stealing many or all the nine lives of cats for centuries. There’s even a proverb “curiosity killed the cat” that is a warning against being curious about other people’s affairs because it might lead to trouble.

But curiosity is life-giving to the parent-child relationship.  Genuine interest is foundational to building a relationship with a real connection. We are born and created with an innate desire to be known.  Curiosity helps us move from unknown to known relationally (This is the character structure of Bonding in our CRA Growth Model).

However, there is a paradox that we must embrace uncertainty to get curious. There is a sort of “unknowing” in which we set aside our judgments, experiences, desires, and power as parents to get curious with, and about, our children.  It takes strength and security on our part as parents to be uncertain- to let our kids teach us about themselves, to let them fail, and to let them define who they are apart from us.

Here are some tips for getting more curious with your teen:

• Slow down- one or two thought-provoking questions can be much more insightful than interviewing your teen like a news reporter (TableTopics Family card sets have some great questions if you need help getting started). And if your teen isn’t used to being pursued relationally like this, it may take multiple attempts to engage them. I find that the car a great place to try this out because family members can’t just leave, and yet defensiveness is lower naturally because parents and teens aren’t facing each other.
• Explore multiple perspectives before assuming yours is the correct one- when we have more understanding, we earn more influence in problem-solving.
• Remain tentative- nobody likes a “know it all,” and your teen will undoubtedly protest if that is the stance you take. Share your wisdom and experiences humbly and ask for your teen’s response to what you share. That will help you determine if they are accepting or protesting you, your ideas, or both and if your relational pattern needs work.

We recently had our quarterly “Parent Weekend” which is an intensive weekend of growth and healing for our clients and their families. Our girls and their parents engage in 4 days of connecting and experiential activities, group and family therapies, and hours of experiential training in order to gain access to and create healing in one of 4 character capacities – this particular weekend focused on bonding. Many of our girls (and their parents) were able to recognize deficits in the basic human need and first developmental task: attachment. Some recognized enmeshed attachment, whether with a caregiver or friends. Others identified lacking in the area of need-based attachment and were able to identify obstacles to this that occurred early on in life (adoption, lack of secure attachment of parent with their own caregiver, etc.).

Every human needs attachment. Every human was born with an innate need for connection. Each child arrives in this world totally dependent on the caregiver, not only for food and physical safety but also for emotional and relational connection. When this healthy attachment is hindered, babies learn that they are not safe- that this world is not safe- and they begin to build strategies to cope with this reality, which causes issues and mental health symptoms later. They often learn that their needs are not legitimate or that it’s not safe to bring their needs to a relationship because they will not be met, so they deduct that it’s easier not to have needs at all. As we learn about the relational needs we all have and begin to identify not only what those needs but also how to verbally ask for those needs to be met by trusted, safe people, we begin to integrate new experiences: that we have needs, our needs are legitimate, and with strong relationships, you’re never left without a way to meet your needs.

Whether you are a staff, student, or parent, one of the best times at Compass Rose is Parent Weekend. Our quarterly parent weekends are designed to be intensive but paced, challenging but fun, and vulnerable but rewarding. 

There are a few primary and crucial goals for the weekends:

1. We hope that parents walk away feeling more connected to other parents and perhaps for the first time on their journey feeling that they are not alone. They meet with other parents who’ve walked a similar road with similar challenges and draw strength, even relational fuel, from the connections they make. 
2. We hope that parents feel more connected to the staff and the overall program at Compass Rose. We want them to see the staff interact, get to know them as people, and learn more about the team as a whole that is caring for their daughter. They will also gain a better understanding of the Growth Model and gain practical tools and information to support them. 
3. We hope parents walk away with a feeling or realization that “I’m in the program too.” Often at their first parent weekend, parents begin to see hope and a path forward, including seeing ways that they themselves will be challenged and supported as they too learn and grow alongside their daughters. 
4. Finally, we hope that parents experience a challenging but supportive environment where they and their daughters can practice new ways of being and relating. There is enough time and space for old patterns to surface and just enough direction and support to begin to break old cycles. 

We are looking forward to our next Parent Weekend January 23-26 that will focus on bonding and attunement as well as the DBT skills of mindfulness. 

“I am the one thing in life I can control” – Aaron Burr, Hamilton

In recent years, culture has seen an increase in “influencers.” With the rise of social media, common people now have access to public platforms that used to be reserved for the famous or wealthy.  “Influencers” build followings on their Youtube channels, Instagram stories, or Facebook feeds. Some of them use their platforms to influence thoughts while others are paid to review or pitch products by companies that want to target the influencer’s following.

Influence is defined by the New Oxford American Dictionary as, “the capacity

to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something.” While our virtual personas and lives are growing as social media is more integrated with our daily life, our greatest influence is still in our homes with those in which we are relating closely.

As a parent, it is so tempting to live in the delusion that we have control over our teens (or children or young adults or whatever stage of parenting in which you are). The reality is that our teens, like us, are created with a free will. This is even more magnified in some teens who are described “strong-willed” and escalate from asleep to power struggle faster than our Keurig brews a cup of coffee.

Yet, absence of control does not equal absence of influence. While it’s healthy for us as parents to surrender our sense of control- we must not surrender our sense of influence. The capacity to influence teens is built through:

• prioritizing relationship over being right
• promoting healthy choices over coercion
• empowering over perfection

Influence is the daily practice of being attuned and tender to our teen’s emotional needs, taking ownership of our own mistakes to earn respect, showing interest in passions and talents, and staying regulated when life is tense and challenging.

Aaron Burr is right, the only thing in life we can control is ourselves. We can control our investment in earning influence in our teen’s lives.

STACEY RUBERG, MA, LMHC

Stacey is the Clinical Director for Compass Rose Academy. She holds a bachelor’s degree from Huntington University and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Indiana Wesleyan University. Stacey has been a mental health counselor for 15 years and previously worked in residential, community, and academic settings. She believes redemption can be a part of everyone’s story and has a passion for walking alongside people in that process. Stacey and her husband of twenty years, Keith, are both native Midwesterners. He works for IMG Insurance in Marion and also coaches at Indiana Wesleyan University. They have a daughter, Adria, and a son, Gavin. Stacey enjoys camping, photography, and cheering on her kids in various sporting events.

If there’s one thing you know about me, it’s that I am flat out obsessed with my two-year-old daughter. She’s at that stage where she is into everything and if there are a few minutes of quiet then I know something could be terribly wrong. Just the other day she drew with bright yellow marker all over our brand new dining room chairs. I wish I could say that this was the first “mishap” with markers-but it wasn’t.

The other day we were working on decorating Christmas ornaments to hang on our tree. I fearfully handed over the paint and paintbrush to my daughter and let her go to town. It took everything in me not to attempt to control the outcome of her artwork. She had paint everywhere and the ornament wasn’t exactly aesthetically pleasing as I had imagined it would be. I desperately wanted to jump in and help her but I knew I shouldn’t. As a parent, it is my job to guide her and keep her safe. This is why I rolled up her sleeves, laid out some newspaper and made sure she didn’t eat the paint.

A teacher’s role in the classroom is similar in that it is our job to guide our students-not control the outcomes. Our role is to pose questions, offer feedback and come alongside our students as they struggle and succeed. This can be difficult to do because just like parenting as teachers we want the best for our students. Sometimes, the best experience we can offer our students is the gift of failure. The opportunity to fall, pick yourself up, and try again. The opportunity to try something new and out of the box and internalize what it really feels like to succeed. The experience for them to learn and grow on their own, without us hovering over their shoulder ready to scoop them up and protect them from the world. Moving forward, I challenge you to take a look at your own kids or students. How are you providing safety and security for them- while also giving them room to grow in their own failures and mistakes?

Katherine has worked in both public and private Christian school settings and has a history of serving on an accreditation team for a school working through the accreditation process with the Association of Christian Schools International. She has served in a professional development leadership capacity for a team of teachers in the past and is currently working on her Masters in Curriculum and Instruction at Indiana Wesleyan University. Katherine is highly motivated and has felt led by God to work on the Compass Rose Academy team.  She has a great heart for the students at Compass Rose. Katherine lives in Somerset, Indiana with her husband, Patrick, and daughter, Piper.

If your approach to health and wholeness is only targeting symptoms with a top-down approach, you may only be addressing half the issue, at best. Addressing symptoms is often necessary and can alleviate some suffering, but learning to cope is not as good as it gets! That would be like treating the symptoms of heart disease but doing nothing to build your overall heart health through things diet, exercise, or smoking cessation.

The approach at Compass Rose Academy goes leaps beyond symptom reduction to build inner resources for overall healthy relationships and functioning. It’s one thing to learn skills to manage depressing thoughts; it’s another level to build resources into your life to alleviate depression.

Here is a quick snapshot of the main areas where we focus on building inner resources based on sound clinical theory:

1. Bonding – Relationships are the fuel for life and with strong relationships, you’re never left without a way to meet your needs. Fostering healthy, need-based attachments in your life is step one to building inner resources. Become aware of relational needs and reach out to safe relationships to meet those needs in relational ways.
2. Boundaries – Owning your life and taking responsibility for your health, problems, functioning, and relationships is a vital next step. Blaming and avoiding feels good in the short-run but sets the stage for mental health and relational woes. As we bring definition to who we are as individuals and carve out what is ours to own, we are building a foundation for both short-term and long-term health and wholeness.
3. Reality – Being able to hold both the good and the bad parts of life is the next key to overall health. How much depression or anxiety is driven by shame, perfectionism, low self-worth, self-judging, and guilt? So much relief and healing come from learning to grieve well and integrate the joyous and painful realities of life within the context of safe relationships.
4. Competence – Building meaning and purpose into our lives is essential to mental health. Meaning-making and developing a healthy sense of agency allows us to create the empowerment necessary to make life good, not just for ourselves, but for others also.

Make sure you’re not just dealing with the “fruit” in your life, but get to the “root” as well by fostering inner resources to successfully face the challenges of life.

Mike Haarer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Indiana. He has worked in the field of adolescent residential treatment since 2004 when he began at White’s Residential & Family Services serving court-ordered adolescents in residential treatment through Indiana’s Department of Child Services. Initially, he specialized in the area of sexually maladaptive behaviors and was a Credentialed Sexually Abusive Youth Clinician. Mike studied under Psychologist and Author Dr. John Townsend, completing three years of his Counselor Training Program concentrated on emotion-focused, character-based Psychodynamic psychotherapy. He is working on his Ph.D. in Counselor Education & Supervision at Regent University in Virginia Beach and has served as an adjunct professor at Huntington University’s Graduate Counseling program. Mike presents on a variety of topics at local, regional, and national conferences and trains residential staff on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He has served as the Executive Director of Compass Rose Academy since its founding in 2012 and lives on the Wabash, Ind. campus along with his wife, Emily, and two daughters, Corabelle and Olivia.

A few years ago a team member began talking incessantly about the Enneagram and spouting off all sorts of information about numbers and types and wings and whatnot. She got us all intrigued and pretty soon, most of us had read the book The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. Since then, the Enneagram has been a great, and even fun, way for many of us to understand ourselves and each other differently.

I’m an Enneagram three. An achiever, or a performer. At my worst, I find my value in how I think I look to others. As long as I’m “successful,” then I’ll be important and valued by others. Even though I’m a therapist with all sorts of training on recognizing emotions, facing pain head-on, and healing hurts, it can be hard for me to be in tune with my own emotions or talk openly about my own personal life. How can you share your vulnerabilities with others when, as a three, one of your top concerns can tend to be image management?

Operating in health, though, threes can be confident in our abilities, driven toward our goals, and aware of our need to be loved for who we are and not what we do. At Compass Rose, we have a saying, “Not Perfect, Loved.” That phrase is as much for me as anyone. It’s a reminder to me that I don’t have to define myself as good or bad. I don’t have to view myself in light of my successes or failures. I can know who I am, how I operate, and I can bring my real self (you know, the parts you normally want to hide) into relationship with others in order to experience true connection and acceptance.

You may or may not be a three on the Enneagram or even have any idea what that means. But I bet you understand the desire to be known and accepted as you are. What would it look like for you to be real today? What might it mean for you to create the safety for your child, spouse, or friend to be real with you? Neuroscience has a lot to say today about the power of this type of attunement and connection on our brain and overall health. Take a step today to seek the healthy connection that you need and to communicate to your loved ones that you love and accept them as they are, apart from their behaviors or what they do for you. If this resonates with you but you’re not sure what that would even look like, call or e-mail us today to get some ideas and resources.

Mike Haarer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Indiana. He has worked in the field of adolescent residential treatment since 2004 when he began at White’s Residential & Family Services serving court-ordered adolescents in residential treatment through Indiana’s Department of Child Services. Initially, he specialized in the area of sexually maladaptive behaviors and was a Credentialed Sexually Abusive Youth Clinician. Mike studied under Psychologist and Author Dr. John Townsend, completing three years of his Counselor Training Program concentrated on emotion-focused, character-based Psychodynamic psychotherapy. He is working on his Ph.D. in Counselor Education & Supervision at Regent University in Virginia Beach and has served as an adjunct professor at Huntington University’s Graduate Counseling program. Mike presents on a variety of topics at local, regional, and national conferences and trains residential staff on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He has served as the Executive Director of Compass Rose Academy since its founding in 2012 and lives on the Wabash, Ind. campus along with his wife, Emily, and two daughters, Corabelle and Olivia.

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

One of the signs that you have turned the parenting corner into another world is the start of back talk. Whether it be sarcasm, argumentativeness, rudeness or plain old in-your-face defiance, you now wonder what happened to the child who thought you were really cool, loved learning from you and obeyed every request. And you have several more years of life with someone who not only thinks for herself, but does it in a way that is not fun to be with.

Here are some tips to handle back talk in a way that works.

Normalize it. Back talk is actually a good sign. It is a challenge to you but it also indicates that your child is beginning to form and consolidate a sense of personhood. The technical term for this is “individuation,” meaning that the tween/teen is becoming a personality, with core values and ways of relating. Kids need this to become strong, autonomous and capable adults.

Children who miss out on this stage, who stay compliant and unquestioning, struggle a great deal in life and often end up with destructive dependent relationships with the wrong people, substituting them for you as parental figures. So just realize that when your child challenges your decisions, she is learning to hatch out of the egg, and that is fundamentally a good thing.

Set some ground rules. Kids generally don’t know the right way to challenge someone, so they often go too far. They need healthy parameters from you. Here are the best ones:

• Permission: It’s OK for you to tell me you disagree with a decision of mine. Sometimes it will be up for discussion and sometimes it will not. But I’m fine with you letting me know your thoughts.
• Respect: I need for you to disagree respectfully, in three ways:
  • Words: Use words that are not unkind, disrespectful or profane.
  • Attitude: No eye-rolling, sneering or sarcastic tones.
  • Behavior: No yelling, stomping out of the room or slamming doors.
• Limits: Even after I have heard your point of view and understand where you are coming from, I may still come to a decision that doesn’t please you. It’s fine for you to express displeasure once or even twice, but don’t keep bringing it up. It is hard on me and the whole family when you won’t accept reality. So drop it.

Affirm respectful challenges. Positivity is always a good thing, and we need to say something to our kid when we see it! So when your teen challenges you in a healthy way, just say, “I really appreciate how you handled our conversation about your curfew. I know you disagree with me, and I assure you I will keep thinking about your reasons. But I was very impressed by how mature and respectful you were with me. I feel that you are growing up very fast, and very well.”

Outline consequences. There are times when the back talk is so ingrained or chronic that it borders on disrespect. This is a signal that you need to establish healthy and meaningful consequences: “I was clear with you about the ground rules, and you have ignored them.  The next time you cross one of those lines with me, I won’t argue with you. I will just immediately remove your smartphone/tablet/remote/driving privileges/social outings this weekend. I hope that will help you control yourself.” And be sure to follow up or it’s a waste of your time.

Maintain perspective. Keep the big picture in mind when you are raising a tween/teen: It is about the future. Your child may be driving you nuts and wearing you down. But remember, what you do today affects the kind of adult, spouse, parent, worker and human being she will be one day. Be strong, be smart and be consistent. Best to your parenting.

Compass Rose Academy is pleased to announce the addition of John Trimble to the team. John graduated from Clemson University in 1990 after earning his Bachelor of Science degree in Accounting. Soon afterward, he earned his Certified Public Accounting License. At the beginning of his professional career, he worked as an Accountant at progressive levels specializing in audits, taxes, and real estate. Throughout that time and during all of the 90s, John and his wife served as Youth Sponsors for their church, Woodruff Road Christian Church, in Simpsonville, South Carolina.

In 2001, John felt a deeper calling for ministry that led him back to school to complete his Masters of Theology at Dallas Theological Seminary. Beginning in 2002, he held the positions of Youth Pastor, Associate Pastor and, most recently, Lead Pastor in churches located in Texas and Michigan.  He and his wife, Trish, also became the proud parents of two daughters – Abigail Grace and Madeline Elizabeth – during this time and their family’s walk with Christ continued to blossom and grow.

When John heard about this position, he saw an opportunity to serve God through an avenue other than local church ministry. The Director of Spiritual Life and Staff Chaplain role matched John’s God-given gifts of leadership, relationship, and education and became known to him and Trish at just the right time in life.  They relocated to Wabash, Indiana, from South Carolina and are excited to begin this endeavor!