Everyone is being affected by the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic in many ways. Many are experiencing some level of anxiety, and those that struggle with anxiety are certainly battling increased feelings of anxiety as this pandemic continues.   At Compass Rose Academy, we approach this season by helping others grieve their losses and allow space for people to share the negative experiences they are facing.

Fear grips many who are afraid for their loved ones. People are worried about their finances and how the stock market has been affected. What started as small and large businesses increasing social-distancing protocols and limiting their hours quickly escalated to many choosing to (and even being forced to) close their doors, creating grave financial loss. In addition to the fears of the unknown and what is to come, multitudes are grieving and experiencing loss.

Athletes who worked tirelessly to prepare for competitions are not able to compete. Parents and families who were looking forward to time together have now postponed or cancelled vacations. Experiences like graduations, baby showers, weddings, and honeymoons are not happening at all for the foreseeable future. Parents are taking vacation time or unpaid time off to stay home with their kids whose school has been canceled. Many are incurring unforeseen expenses and stresses while finding and paying for childcare. Kids and adults alike are feeling the real loss of physical connection with friends. The list of losses experienced during this pandemic is staggering.

How do you respond to losses in your life? While it’s helpful to be able to find things to be grateful for in the midst of loss- and yes, the ability to see the silver lining can be a relief- it is essential to allow yourself (and others) to feel and grieve the realities of life. The ability to deal with negative reality is one of four “life capacities” Dr. John Townsend and the Growth Model advocate are necessary components of a person’s character.

Our philosophy of care centered on the Growth Model calls this character capacity Reality.

To build this capacity into your character structure, you must learn to accept what is and grieve in healthy ways so that you can adapt to reality. Take the initiative and continue to lean into the losses you are experiencing:

• Identify/name your losses.
• Share with a safe person how these losses are impacting you.
• Assess your feelings and share the sadness surrounding theses losses.
• Allow for time – let grief do its work.
• Allow yourself to receive comfort from a safe person in your life.

At Compass Rose Academy, we say that with intimate, needs-based attachments we are not left without a way to meet our relational needs. Make sure you are using your safe relationships to get your needs for comfort met as you grieve and adapt to the negative realities we are all facing during this challenging time. Furthermore, be a safe person for others to share their losses and receive comfort, avoiding the tendency to minimize pain by attempting to lessen or fix it.   In this way, practice healthy grief in light of this pandemic.

By Madeline Spring, Director of Admissions

Curiosity almost killed our family feline a few months ago. My daughter provided a simple invitation by leaving the dryer door cracked open after retrieving an item to wear to church one Sunday morning. My husband walked through the mudroom on the way to start the car and latched the dryer door shut, unbeknownst to him that he was securing the cat in the dryer, which had begun her morning nap. We all went to church and came home for dinner. While the others were cleaning up, I started the dryer to fluff a load of clothes before folding them. I heard a “t-thunk, t-thunk” and remarked to my husband in the kitchen that it sounded like someone put a pair of shoes in the dryer. I also simultaneously looked in the dryer window to see the cat spinning with the clothes. Of course, I immediately opened the door and relieved the cat from her “Sunday ride.” She was unharmed thankfully.

Curiosity likely took one of our cat’s nine lives that day and has been blamed for stealing many or all the nine lives of cats for centuries. There’s even a proverb “curiosity killed the cat” that is a warning against being curious about other people’s affairs because it might lead to trouble.

But curiosity is life-giving to the parent-child relationship.  Genuine interest is foundational to building a relationship with a real connection. We are born and created with an innate desire to be known.  Curiosity helps us move from unknown to known relationally (This is the character structure of Bonding in our CRA Growth Model).

However, there is a paradox that we must embrace uncertainty to get curious. There is a sort of “unknowing” in which we set aside our judgments, experiences, desires, and power as parents to get curious with, and about, our children.  It takes strength and security on our part as parents to be uncertain- to let our kids teach us about themselves, to let them fail, and to let them define who they are apart from us.

Here are some tips for getting more curious with your teen:

• Slow down- one or two thought-provoking questions can be much more insightful than interviewing your teen like a news reporter (TableTopics Family card sets have some great questions if you need help getting started). And if your teen isn’t used to being pursued relationally like this, it may take multiple attempts to engage them. I find that the car a great place to try this out because family members can’t just leave, and yet defensiveness is lower naturally because parents and teens aren’t facing each other.
• Explore multiple perspectives before assuming yours is the correct one- when we have more understanding, we earn more influence in problem-solving.
• Remain tentative- nobody likes a “know it all,” and your teen will undoubtedly protest if that is the stance you take. Share your wisdom and experiences humbly and ask for your teen’s response to what you share. That will help you determine if they are accepting or protesting you, your ideas, or both and if your relational pattern needs work.

We recently had our quarterly “Parent Weekend” which is an intensive weekend of growth and healing for our clients and their families. Our girls and their parents engage in 4 days of connecting and experiential activities, group and family therapies, and hours of experiential training in order to gain access to and create healing in one of 4 character capacities – this particular weekend focused on bonding. Many of our girls (and their parents) were able to recognize deficits in the basic human need and first developmental task: attachment. Some recognized enmeshed attachment, whether with a caregiver or friends. Others identified lacking in the area of need-based attachment and were able to identify obstacles to this that occurred early on in life (adoption, lack of secure attachment of parent with their own caregiver, etc.).

Every human needs attachment. Every human was born with an innate need for connection. Each child arrives in this world totally dependent on the caregiver, not only for food and physical safety but also for emotional and relational connection. When this healthy attachment is hindered, babies learn that they are not safe- that this world is not safe- and they begin to build strategies to cope with this reality, which causes issues and mental health symptoms later. They often learn that their needs are not legitimate or that it’s not safe to bring their needs to a relationship because they will not be met, so they deduct that it’s easier not to have needs at all. As we learn about the relational needs we all have and begin to identify not only what those needs but also how to verbally ask for those needs to be met by trusted, safe people, we begin to integrate new experiences: that we have needs, our needs are legitimate, and with strong relationships, you’re never left without a way to meet your needs.

Whether you are a staff, student, or parent, one of the best times at Compass Rose is Parent Weekend. Our quarterly parent weekends are designed to be intensive but paced, challenging but fun, and vulnerable but rewarding. 

There are a few primary and crucial goals for the weekends:

1. We hope that parents walk away feeling more connected to other parents and perhaps for the first time on their journey feeling that they are not alone. They meet with other parents who’ve walked a similar road with similar challenges and draw strength, even relational fuel, from the connections they make. 
2. We hope that parents feel more connected to the staff and the overall program at Compass Rose. We want them to see the staff interact, get to know them as people, and learn more about the team as a whole that is caring for their daughter. They will also gain a better understanding of the Growth Model and gain practical tools and information to support them. 
3. We hope parents walk away with a feeling or realization that “I’m in the program too.” Often at their first parent weekend, parents begin to see hope and a path forward, including seeing ways that they themselves will be challenged and supported as they too learn and grow alongside their daughters. 
4. Finally, we hope that parents experience a challenging but supportive environment where they and their daughters can practice new ways of being and relating. There is enough time and space for old patterns to surface and just enough direction and support to begin to break old cycles. 

We are looking forward to our next Parent Weekend January 23-26 that will focus on bonding and attunement as well as the DBT skills of mindfulness. 

“I am the one thing in life I can control” – Aaron Burr, Hamilton

In recent years, culture has seen an increase in “influencers.” With the rise of social media, common people now have access to public platforms that used to be reserved for the famous or wealthy.  “Influencers” build followings on their Youtube channels, Instagram stories, or Facebook feeds. Some of them use their platforms to influence thoughts while others are paid to review or pitch products by companies that want to target the influencer’s following.

Influence is defined by the New Oxford American Dictionary as, “the capacity

to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something.” While our virtual personas and lives are growing as social media is more integrated with our daily life, our greatest influence is still in our homes with those in which we are relating closely.

As a parent, it is so tempting to live in the delusion that we have control over our teens (or children or young adults or whatever stage of parenting in which you are). The reality is that our teens, like us, are created with a free will. This is even more magnified in some teens who are described “strong-willed” and escalate from asleep to power struggle faster than our Keurig brews a cup of coffee.

Yet, absence of control does not equal absence of influence. While it’s healthy for us as parents to surrender our sense of control- we must not surrender our sense of influence. The capacity to influence teens is built through:

• prioritizing relationship over being right
• promoting healthy choices over coercion
• empowering over perfection

Influence is the daily practice of being attuned and tender to our teen’s emotional needs, taking ownership of our own mistakes to earn respect, showing interest in passions and talents, and staying regulated when life is tense and challenging.

Aaron Burr is right, the only thing in life we can control is ourselves. We can control our investment in earning influence in our teen’s lives.

STACEY RUBERG, MA, LMHC

Stacey is the Clinical Director for Compass Rose Academy. She holds a bachelor’s degree from Huntington University and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Indiana Wesleyan University. Stacey has been a mental health counselor for 15 years and previously worked in residential, community, and academic settings. She believes redemption can be a part of everyone’s story and has a passion for walking alongside people in that process. Stacey and her husband of twenty years, Keith, are both native Midwesterners. He works for IMG Insurance in Marion and also coaches at Indiana Wesleyan University. They have a daughter, Adria, and a son, Gavin. Stacey enjoys camping, photography, and cheering on her kids in various sporting events.

If there’s one thing you know about me, it’s that I am flat out obsessed with my two-year-old daughter. She’s at that stage where she is into everything and if there are a few minutes of quiet then I know something could be terribly wrong. Just the other day she drew with bright yellow marker all over our brand new dining room chairs. I wish I could say that this was the first “mishap” with markers-but it wasn’t.

The other day we were working on decorating Christmas ornaments to hang on our tree. I fearfully handed over the paint and paintbrush to my daughter and let her go to town. It took everything in me not to attempt to control the outcome of her artwork. She had paint everywhere and the ornament wasn’t exactly aesthetically pleasing as I had imagined it would be. I desperately wanted to jump in and help her but I knew I shouldn’t. As a parent, it is my job to guide her and keep her safe. This is why I rolled up her sleeves, laid out some newspaper and made sure she didn’t eat the paint.

A teacher’s role in the classroom is similar in that it is our job to guide our students-not control the outcomes. Our role is to pose questions, offer feedback and come alongside our students as they struggle and succeed. This can be difficult to do because just like parenting as teachers we want the best for our students. Sometimes, the best experience we can offer our students is the gift of failure. The opportunity to fall, pick yourself up, and try again. The opportunity to try something new and out of the box and internalize what it really feels like to succeed. The experience for them to learn and grow on their own, without us hovering over their shoulder ready to scoop them up and protect them from the world. Moving forward, I challenge you to take a look at your own kids or students. How are you providing safety and security for them- while also giving them room to grow in their own failures and mistakes?

Katherine has worked in both public and private Christian school settings and has a history of serving on an accreditation team for a school working through the accreditation process with the Association of Christian Schools International. She has served in a professional development leadership capacity for a team of teachers in the past and is currently working on her Masters in Curriculum and Instruction at Indiana Wesleyan University. Katherine is highly motivated and has felt led by God to work on the Compass Rose Academy team.  She has a great heart for the students at Compass Rose. Katherine lives in Somerset, Indiana with her husband, Patrick, and daughter, Piper.

If your approach to health and wholeness is only targeting symptoms with a top-down approach, you may only be addressing half the issue, at best. Addressing symptoms is often necessary and can alleviate some suffering, but learning to cope is not as good as it gets! That would be like treating the symptoms of heart disease but doing nothing to build your overall heart health through things diet, exercise, or smoking cessation.

The approach at Compass Rose Academy goes leaps beyond symptom reduction to build inner resources for overall healthy relationships and functioning. It’s one thing to learn skills to manage depressing thoughts; it’s another level to build resources into your life to alleviate depression.

Here is a quick snapshot of the main areas where we focus on building inner resources based on sound clinical theory:

1. Bonding – Relationships are the fuel for life and with strong relationships, you’re never left without a way to meet your needs. Fostering healthy, need-based attachments in your life is step one to building inner resources. Become aware of relational needs and reach out to safe relationships to meet those needs in relational ways.
2. Boundaries – Owning your life and taking responsibility for your health, problems, functioning, and relationships is a vital next step. Blaming and avoiding feels good in the short-run but sets the stage for mental health and relational woes. As we bring definition to who we are as individuals and carve out what is ours to own, we are building a foundation for both short-term and long-term health and wholeness.
3. Reality – Being able to hold both the good and the bad parts of life is the next key to overall health. How much depression or anxiety is driven by shame, perfectionism, low self-worth, self-judging, and guilt? So much relief and healing come from learning to grieve well and integrate the joyous and painful realities of life within the context of safe relationships.
4. Competence – Building meaning and purpose into our lives is essential to mental health. Meaning-making and developing a healthy sense of agency allows us to create the empowerment necessary to make life good, not just for ourselves, but for others also.

Make sure you’re not just dealing with the “fruit” in your life, but get to the “root” as well by fostering inner resources to successfully face the challenges of life.

Mike Haarer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Indiana. He has worked in the field of adolescent residential treatment since 2004 when he began at White’s Residential & Family Services serving court-ordered adolescents in residential treatment through Indiana’s Department of Child Services. Initially, he specialized in the area of sexually maladaptive behaviors and was a Credentialed Sexually Abusive Youth Clinician. Mike studied under Psychologist and Author Dr. John Townsend, completing three years of his Counselor Training Program concentrated on emotion-focused, character-based Psychodynamic psychotherapy. He is working on his Ph.D. in Counselor Education & Supervision at Regent University in Virginia Beach and has served as an adjunct professor at Huntington University’s Graduate Counseling program. Mike presents on a variety of topics at local, regional, and national conferences and trains residential staff on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He has served as the Executive Director of Compass Rose Academy since its founding in 2012 and lives on the Wabash, Ind. campus along with his wife, Emily, and two daughters, Corabelle and Olivia.

A few years ago a team member began talking incessantly about the Enneagram and spouting off all sorts of information about numbers and types and wings and whatnot. She got us all intrigued and pretty soon, most of us had read the book The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. Since then, the Enneagram has been a great, and even fun, way for many of us to understand ourselves and each other differently.

I’m an Enneagram three. An achiever, or a performer. At my worst, I find my value in how I think I look to others. As long as I’m “successful,” then I’ll be important and valued by others. Even though I’m a therapist with all sorts of training on recognizing emotions, facing pain head-on, and healing hurts, it can be hard for me to be in tune with my own emotions or talk openly about my own personal life. How can you share your vulnerabilities with others when, as a three, one of your top concerns can tend to be image management?

Operating in health, though, threes can be confident in our abilities, driven toward our goals, and aware of our need to be loved for who we are and not what we do. At Compass Rose, we have a saying, “Not Perfect, Loved.” That phrase is as much for me as anyone. It’s a reminder to me that I don’t have to define myself as good or bad. I don’t have to view myself in light of my successes or failures. I can know who I am, how I operate, and I can bring my real self (you know, the parts you normally want to hide) into relationship with others in order to experience true connection and acceptance.

You may or may not be a three on the Enneagram or even have any idea what that means. But I bet you understand the desire to be known and accepted as you are. What would it look like for you to be real today? What might it mean for you to create the safety for your child, spouse, or friend to be real with you? Neuroscience has a lot to say today about the power of this type of attunement and connection on our brain and overall health. Take a step today to seek the healthy connection that you need and to communicate to your loved ones that you love and accept them as they are, apart from their behaviors or what they do for you. If this resonates with you but you’re not sure what that would even look like, call or e-mail us today to get some ideas and resources.

Mike Haarer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Indiana. He has worked in the field of adolescent residential treatment since 2004 when he began at White’s Residential & Family Services serving court-ordered adolescents in residential treatment through Indiana’s Department of Child Services. Initially, he specialized in the area of sexually maladaptive behaviors and was a Credentialed Sexually Abusive Youth Clinician. Mike studied under Psychologist and Author Dr. John Townsend, completing three years of his Counselor Training Program concentrated on emotion-focused, character-based Psychodynamic psychotherapy. He is working on his Ph.D. in Counselor Education & Supervision at Regent University in Virginia Beach and has served as an adjunct professor at Huntington University’s Graduate Counseling program. Mike presents on a variety of topics at local, regional, and national conferences and trains residential staff on Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He has served as the Executive Director of Compass Rose Academy since its founding in 2012 and lives on the Wabash, Ind. campus along with his wife, Emily, and two daughters, Corabelle and Olivia.

Compass Rose Academy is pleased to announce the addition of John Trimble to the team. John graduated from Clemson University in 1990 after earning his Bachelor of Science degree in Accounting. Soon afterward, he earned his Certified Public Accounting License. At the beginning of his professional career, he worked as an Accountant at progressive levels specializing in audits, taxes, and real estate. Throughout that time and during all of the 90s, John and his wife served as Youth Sponsors for their church, Woodruff Road Christian Church, in Simpsonville, South Carolina.

In 2001, John felt a deeper calling for ministry that led him back to school to complete his Masters of Theology at Dallas Theological Seminary. Beginning in 2002, he held the positions of Youth Pastor, Associate Pastor and, most recently, Lead Pastor in churches located in Texas and Michigan.  He and his wife, Trish, also became the proud parents of two daughters – Abigail Grace and Madeline Elizabeth – during this time and their family’s walk with Christ continued to blossom and grow.

When John heard about this position, he saw an opportunity to serve God through an avenue other than local church ministry. The Director of Spiritual Life and Staff Chaplain role matched John’s God-given gifts of leadership, relationship, and education and became known to him and Trish at just the right time in life.  They relocated to Wabash, Indiana, from South Carolina and are excited to begin this endeavor!

Mike Haarer, Vice President and Executive Director of Compass Rose Academy, presented at the Midwest Regional Conference of the National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP). His work on the Best Practices Committee encourages all residential facilities to work toward accreditation. Compass Rose has maintained accreditation since 2012 with the Council on Accreditation.

Also presenting were Madeline Spring, CRA’s Admissions Director, and Scott Makin, Executive Director of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling at Concordia University Irvine. This presentation is the fruit of a new initiative by Compass Rose to promote a deeper understanding of the therapeutic Growth Model at the heart of Compass Rose. Here’s what Madeline, CRA Admissions Director, said about it, “We had a blast using movie clips and music videos in our presentation on the Compass Rose Growth Model and how to use it with Memory Reconsolidation to bring healing to our clients and their families at deeper levels.”

We are pleased to announce Shane Whybrew has joined the Advancement Team as the new Director of Donor Stewardship after serving three years as Pastor of Stewardship and Resource Development at a large church on the northside of Indianapolis. Shane has dedicated all 25 years of his work experience to full-time ministry within the generosity and stewardship continuum of engaging donors. Shane began serving in development and fundraising in 1994 after graduating from Purdue University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Industrial Technology.

If you like to grill and smoke meat, drink Ethiopian coffee, or head to the lake to fish then you’d get along just great with him. Shane and his wife Kris have been married 23 years and have been blessed with three children, Sadie, Lily, and Kaleb.

“We had their passions and dreams up on the board,” Katherine Kelly, Compass Rose Academy’s new Academic Director, said. It is part of the new project-based learning system. Academic standards are met by beginning with a problem, a problem that grows from the passions and concerns of the students.

“What motivates you?” Katherine asked them. “What do you want to change in the world?”

She was not surprised by the depth these questions elicited from the young women, though those not familiar with the character and insight that trauma can carve out in people might find their answers troubling…

“How does compassion affect mental health?” one young lady wondered.

“How does bullying impact the rates of suicide?” asked another.

“It began to go from small to big,” Katharine said, when another wondered aloud why bees are disappearing. Ideas were shared. Long-term consequences were pondered, and soon we were dreaming up tee-shirts to combat the environmental issue of the missing bee! The tee-shirts would read: “Bee the change.”

CRAs project-based learning will bring together many disciplines – English, the Arts, geography – to study a problem and still other disciplines – math, science, history, perhaps – will be used to come up with various solutions to those problems.

Project-based Learning “allows the learner to conceptualize, develop and complete a concrete project with the application of the concepts acquired. Discussions and lectures are still provided in this approach, but for a brief amount of time. More time is devoted to the development of the project. The learners are given the chance to collaborate, think critically, learn about careers, communicate effectively, and tackle real-life problems and situations as they go about their projects.” (Bright Hub Education).

Katie started it.

“We saw her take the concept and develop it right through to completion,” said Kenny Harvey, the Director of Experiential Learning for Growing Teens for Life. He and Tim Main, the Grounds Supervisor, worked right beside Katie as she took her idea for a Butterfly Garden on White’s campus and turn it into reality.

“She worked with Tim and me,” Kenny continued, “and her parents bought some material. Some we donated from 50 East, and some we had donated through Monarch Watch.”

In fact, Monarch Watch, a nonprofit education, conservation, and research program based at the University of Kansas that focuses on the Monarch butterfly, its habitat, and its spectacular fall migration, donated over 200 milkweed plants.

“The impact this project had on Katie was obvious. She was much more self-assured and had more leadership in the project as it progressed,” Kenny said.

Katie, a student at Compass Rose Academy, has since returned home. The impact she has had on campus will continue for many years to come. Kenny Harvey has plans in fact. “We are hoping to use the garden as a community service project for Compass Rose, allowing students and interns help design it as we expand it.”

For Katie, the project helped her earn the Girl Scout Gold Leadership Award.

For Compass Rose and all of White’s, students and staff will be exposed to butterflies, their importance in nature, and why they are endangered, not to mention the simple appreciation of something so very beautiful and so very fragile.

“The garden’s symbolism is profound, especially for our students,” said Mike Haarer, Vice President and Director of Compass Rose Academy. “The Monarch, in particular, undergoes an inspiring transformation, a transformation that reflects the potential of change and growth every young lady here has within her.”

“Yes, Katie started a wonderful thing here.”

We are excited to announce as part of our strategic Growth Model SOAR initiative and ongoing work to infuse our program with Growth Model training, language, and support, we’ve made an agreement with Scott Makin to provide ongoing training, supervision, and consultation to all of our staff. He is a leading expert in this model, so we are blessed to have his expertise!

Scott Makin is the Executive Director of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling at Concordia University Irvine. He is involved in the curriculum design, student and faculty recruiting, faculty training, and marketing. He is also an Assistant Professor of Counseling and a licensed mental health counselor.

Scott met Dr. John Townsend in 1996 and has worked with him in various speaking engagements. In 2010 he began working with John to bring John’s Leadership Coaching Program to Indianapolis in 2011. He has co-facilitated 5 different teams with John. Scott also created the Counselor Training Program with John and co-facilitated this with him in 2012-2013. Scott then led this program for two years.

Please join us in giving a warm welcome to Katherine Kelly. She has worked in both public and private Christian school settings and has a history of serving on an accreditation team for a school working through the accreditation process with the Association of Christian Schools International. Katherine has served in a professional development leadership capacity for a team of teachers in the past and is currently working on her Masters in Curriculum and Instruction. She is highly motivated and has felt led by God to join our team. Katherine has a great heart for the students at Compass Rose.

We are also excited to announce after years of consideration and a focused year of strategic planning with our senior leaders, board members, and an education committee, we have decided to move to a private school model. While our current school has served our students very well, we look forward to the new arrangement which will allow even greater integration of our clinical, residential, and academic services.

We have been working with our partners at MSD of Wabash County to develop a transition plan to a new private school model. This new academic program will continue to utilize an online component as well as new innovative and rigorous academic offerings for our students. These components may include but are not limited to Project-Based Learning, STEAM courses, outdoor education, Service-Based Learning and vocational opportunities for students. Katherine will work to transition our program to a private school model with an official launch date in August of 2019 at the start of the next school year.

By John Townsend, Ph.D.

Unfortunately, when a teen is going through a difficult season, it never happens in a vacuum. The negative behavior, words and attitudes affect everyone in the home. Two things happen: parents don’t know how to communicate to the family about the situation, and also they don’t know how to communicate about life itself. It’s as if the problem takes over the home.

Here are tips to help restore some sanity and love to your family functioning if you’re facing discord in your home.

Communicating about the teen.
Your spouse and other kids need to know what’s really going on and how they can best cope with the situation. Very young siblings might be easily overwhelmed by information that their emotional state can’t handle. But with older kids, more information is better. Here are some things to do:

• Tell them the nature of the teen’s problem, what you know about its origins and its severity. They probably know a great deal already. But frank discussion will expose the elephant under the rug, so they can become less anxious and feel free to process the information.

• Ask them what they think and how they feel about the situation to get their perspective. Often, a sibling will feel overly loyal and not want to narc on the troubled one. But keep in mind that this can take a toll on them: emotionally, socially and maybe even physically. Encourage them to talk about this.

• Assure your other children that you have a plan and are getting the right sort of help for the troubled teen and anyone else who needs it. They need to know they have parents that they can be secure with. If you don’t have a plan, promise the kids that you are getting one ASAP, and follow through with it.

• Give them suggestions on how to handle their own relationship with the troubled teen. Talk to a psychologist about this. Approaches can range from being loving but firm, to having a listening ear, to avoiding the person, to calling the police. A licensed therapist is the right source for this information.

• Don’t make your other kids the shrinks. Sometimes, a compassionate and empathetic child will also be a good listener, and many parents will turn to him or her as their “rock,” as I’ve heard parents say. That’s a mistake. That kid needs a parent who is their rock, not the other way around. Support the kid, and get your support from other good and stable grown-ups.

Communicating about life.
The “family train” must keep rolling. People have school to attend, homework to get done, jobs to go to and functions to attend. Be intentional about having weekly “family meeting” times (I suggest Sunday evening before the week starts) where you connect, discuss schedules, and have fun. If the troubled teen is disruptive, he or she should not be there. You don’t want the siblings having memories of life stopping for the stable kids, while all the attention went to the troubled kid. This includes making sure social events, games, family dinners and other fun events go on. Put extra energy into asking the other kids about their lives and being totally engaged in what they say and do. Don’t be preoccupied and anxious with them. Save those discussions for your friends and other supportive relationships.

A family can be strong and resilient enough to support the recovery of a troubled teen while continuing to nurture and develop the other children. Best to your parenting!